Oh no she di'int!!!

Erm, where's your hand Rupert?

Well well well, there’s scandal in our midst again as the big news in Hollywood is that Kristen Stewart has cheated on Robert Pattinson! Yes, the Hollywood ‘actress’ has done the dirty on her Twilight co star with the director of her latest movie ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’, Rupert Sanders. Oh my god, I hear you cry! Probably not over the fact that she cheated, but the fact that she managed to seduce another male! I mean, come on, she’s hardly the most alluring woman is she? With her face constantly looking like she’s just been slapped, I find it surprising that any fella would fall for her, but hey ho that’s just my opinion. 

However, given the fact that Kristen is just like her Twilight character Bella Swan, I can probably work out why she has two men fighting over her. She probably managed to entice Rob and Rupert in the same way as Bella managed to capture both Edward and Jacob’s hearts, and that is this:

• Mumbling incoherently and not stringing a full sentence together
• Shuffling her feet and staring at her hands, the floor, the sky, a wall etc
• Shrugging her shoulders and tucking her hair behind her ears
• Not listening to people or heeding advice, and thus putting herself and others in danger
• Isolating her friends and being weird with her father
• Being over-sensitive, moody, silly and downright annoying
• Not being attracted to normal, boy-next-door, average Joe guys

Hmmm, Kristen/Bella sounds rather familiar... a certain Anastasia Steele comes to mind, no? (Ladies, don’t even bother deny you know who I’m talking about you dirty buggers!)

Still, Kristen is very sorry for her actions and issued this grovelling statement: 

"I am deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardised the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Yes, very moving Kris, and very kind of you to actually acknowledge that you were in a relationship- it’s only been 3 years! Kristen has even offered to write a letter to Rupert Sanders wife, Liberty Ross and Sanders himself has issued a statement apologising for his actions.

But that isn’t enough for our Rob! The hunk (not my words) apparently wants to meet Rupert face-to-face to discuss what really happened with Kristen. Discuss? Yeah right! We all know you to want to use your vampire powers and open a can of whoop-ass on his butt! (Here’s hoping that Rupert Sanders possesses some kind of secret power or is an undercover wizard or merman- then that’ll make an interesting fight!)

Jokes aside, we have to think of the people that really matter the most in situations like this. The ones who will be heavily affected both mentally and emotionally from the fall-out of this shocking affair...

A suitably dramatic pic for the scandalous events

Yes, I am talking about poor Taylor Lautner! What’s the poor love going to do now? As if it wasn’t hard enough standing next to them when they were a lovey-dovey couple (ok, not so much but they probably whispered naughty, sexual things to each other whilst Taylor was in ear-shot) but now he has to put up with them when they’ll be at logger heads. I can imagine it now:

Robert: Taylor, tell Kristen to move her big head out the way, she’s stopping the cameras from capturing my best side.

Taylor: Kristen, Robert said can you move your big head out the way...

Kristen: Taylor, tell Robert to quit whinging. I’m the biggest star now, not him! Now I’ve had a scandalous affair, the roles will be pouring in and I can play any moody, incoherent, socially inept, self-conscious miserable teenage girl I want!

Taylor: Robert, Kristen said to stop whinging...

Yep, I bet he can wait for the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 promotional tour to start!

Something in the water?

There must be something in the water over in celebrity land. What else could explain all these break-ups?  It’s bad enough with Russell Brand and Katy Perry calling it a day, with Katy unfollowing her ex on Twitter (the new way to say it’s over!), but this new batch of splits have shocked us to the core (and when I say us, I mean romantics who believe in soppy true love). Two unions whom I thought were more solid than Jodie Marsh’s biceps have parted ways: Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis & Heidi Klum and Seal. I’ll give you a moment to take this in…

I ape to say it, but Heidi and Seal are over

Ok, moment over. What oh what could have driven these two seemingly in love couples apart? Is it their hectic work schedules? The pressure of a relationship in the public eye? January blues? Whatever it is, it just goes to show that celebrities are indeed humans, they do love and they do hurt.  All I know is that Halloweens will never be the same again, now that Heidi and Seal have split. Which other A- list couple will dress as life-like apes or Hindu gods for their Halloween party? You won’t catch Brad and Angelina doing that!

Over on this side of the water, break-up fever is just as strong as it’s emerged that Tulisa and Fazer have broken up. I’m just as confused as anyone as I’m pretty sure that I saw pics of them last week looking loved up on a Caribbean island! Wow, I know people are always down after coming back from hols but come on guys! Also rumoured to be on the rocks is Simon Cowell and Mezhgan Hussainy. Now this is no surprise as Simon is more of a commitment-phobe than George Clooney, but when they became engaged, I had high hopes that she would finally be the one to tame Mr. Nasty. I guess not. And finally, bringing up the rear is Andrea McLean and her fella, some bloke called Steve. Now I don’t actually know anything about Steve, but she seems to be always be banging on about ‘my Steve’ on Loose Women. So maybe he’s sick of her talking about their relationship on national TV or maybe he’s finally realised he is married to the blandest, boring and dull person ever!  Whatever their reasons, it’s never nice when people break-up (except for Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik and that cheeky girl, that was all levels of wrong!)

Should never have happened...

Were only in January, but things are not looking good for love in celeb land. Here’s a list of couples I hope will stay together his year:

1.William and Kate. They gave us the most amazing wedding day ever and a day off work! They should be together for that alone!
2.Brad and Angelina. I am now finally over hating Angelina for being a ‘home-wreaker’ (shush, you thought that too!), so it’ll be a shame if they split now.
3.Tom and Katie. After all that jumping on the sofa and gross pda’s, this marriage better be worth the effort!
4.David and Victoria. I now can’t imagine one without the other. Now their family is complete, I can’t imagine them apart.
5.Edward and Bella. I haven’t read the last book so I don’t know how their love ends. But after getting her knocked up and then turning her into the living dead, Edward better stand by his girl!