Whereeeee haaaave yooouu beeeen?!

Whereeeee haaaave yooouu beeeen?!, I here you ask? Well excuse me! I have a job I have to work; I can’t just sit around all day writing about celebrities! Although, that’s EXACTLY what I want to do for a living, if you haven’t gathered. Anyway, I’m here now, so what have I missed? Well loads as it happens, I hardly know where to begin!! Well how about I break it down:

Love is in the air

Where's your hand Russell?

• Well of all the ‘WTF’ moments, this really took the biscuit! I’m talking about Russell Brand hooking up with none other than Geri Halliwell! Now this is a pairing that I do not get. I heard that they hit it off at the Olympic closing ceremony, where they both performed, and bonded over a mutual love and sandwiches and books. Now, I know that Russell loves to spice up his sex life, but I wasn’t expecting this!

• Apparently everybody’s favourite ‘I’m angry that my ex dumped me so I’m gonna write a song about what a heart-breaking b*****d he is’ singer Adele has married her lover Simon Konecki in secret. The ‘Someone like you singer’ who is due to give birth in October apparently wed her fiancé sometime last week and according to a source it was a ‘fabulous occasion.’ Well, whether reports are true or not, I wish them every happiness.

'This way Ashley, er  I mean Tre!'

• Chezza’s got a new man! Ok, so that’s all the excitement I can muster with this story, but it seems that Cheryl Cole has well and truly replaced Ashley by hooking up with a hot American dancer- nice one. The pair have actually been seeing each other for a few months and apparently its love. Ashley even popped around for a cuppa and offered the pair his congratulations before joining Cheryl’s fella Tre Holloway in a hearty game of croquet. Ok, I made that last bit up, but one can dream.

• She’s done it! Ok, not quite at the altar, but Jennifer Aniston has got engaged. The Hollywood actress, who has starred in legendary films such as ‘Along came Polly’ and ‘Marley and me’ has accepted boyfriend Justin Theroux’s proposal on his 41^st birthday. Looks like Jen has finally found her lobster! And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then just leave! Go on, get off my blog!!

So so so scandalous!

You think I'm posting the real pic so I get sued? I think not!

• Last week the world was rocked by a royal scandal. No, not that the Duchess of Cambridge has worn the same dress again (seriously guys, get over it!), but that Prince Harry has been flashing his crown jewels in a Las Vegas hotel room! Now for some, this is just a normal Friday night, but for a member of the royal family, it’s a bit frowned upon. According to reports, the Prince was having some fun splashing around in the pool with Olympic swimming champion Ryan Lochte (as you do) whilst on his hols. He later then invited a bevy of bikini-clad beauties to join him in a game of strip billiards. Well, to cut a long story short, he wasn’t very good and ended up parading around starkers with a lady friend. And because Hazza was amongst close friends whom he has known for years and can trust (ahem), a picture was taken and ended up in the papers! Now how did that happen?

• David Beckham and Katherine Jenkins. Now there’s two people you wouldn’t normally put together, but somehow they’ve been accused of having an affair.  But in a strange move, Katherine added fuel to the fire by angrily denying the affair on Twitter instead of ignoring the false accusations. She tweeted ‘I’ve read some horrible rumours on here & want u 2 know I absolutely deny I’ve had an affair with David Beckham.’ ‘The rumours are very hurtful, untrue & my lawyers tell me actionable.’ Okay Kath, I believe you, but I’m not sure I believe Lily Cooper who decided to pipe up with her own defensive tweets: ‘I’m really upset at the hurtful rumours going round about me having an affair with Jay Z. My lawyers tell me they are actionable.’

• Lindsay Lohan has been accused and now cleared of stealing jewellery from a Hollywood house party. The ‘actress’ who was found guilty for stealing a necklace in February, was apparently...WAIT A MINUTE! I’m gonna stop right here. This is no scandal; this is just a day in the life of the train-wreck that is Li-Lo. Someone seriously needs to hurry up and make a Mean Girls 2 before her life really goes to hell. Enough said.

Oh Em Gee!

Yes, she actually left her house like this!

• The claws are out for Jasmine Lennard and Kerry Katona! The ‘model’, who played with Simon Cowell’s naughty bits for 6 months, has lashed out at Katona after she said that Jasmine needed psychiatric help in her magazine column. Kezza stated ‘I was hoping Jasmine Lennard would stay in the house because she is so controversial. 'I can't believe they apparently had to hide knives from her – she clearly needs psychological help!' This didn’t go down well with Jasmine, the first to be evicted from this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, who released her inner bitch (wait, her bitch is out and proud!) by blasting the former Atomic Kitten star on Twitter, she tweeted: ‘HA HA HA...YOU...think I need help. Well...i think YOU need to start using contraception get over @BrianMcFadden stop taking...’ ‘Cocaine,lose a few pounds&start focusing on your children not boyfriends.I think your vile.#peasant’. Well, that sure told Kerry! But Jas do us a favour and assess your own life first- and eat some pies while you’re at it!

• Cheryl Cole and Will.I.Am were involved in a car crash last night! But fear not my darling readers, it was a minor accident. Chezza and Will were driving back from a late night studio session, and it seemed that Will demonstrated his awesome driving skills by crashing into a parked car- not so dope. Whilst Will’s airbag inflated in his face and caused a nose bleed, Cheryl’s airbag failed to inflate and so she slammed head-first into the dashboard causing bleeding and minor bruising. Thankfully the pair, who have collaborated on ‘Heartbreaker’ and 3 words’, were ok, and both took to their Twitter pages to reassure their fans. Maybe, this is the earth’s way of telling the Black Eye Peas star to get rid of that stupid haircut!- maybe.

That’s all for now folks! ;)

Fight! Fight! Fight! But NOT for this love!

Is it all in his head??

It’s all going down in celebville this week! A story that’s had all showbiz journalist salivating and clambering to their laptops, desperately trying to report any scrap of news that come their way. Yes, it’s the biggest fight since Tyson and Holyfield; I give you Cheryl Cole vs. MC Harvey (So Solid Crew). Huh? Yes that was my first reaction too. But it’s true; these two have been laying into each other over Twitter ever since the So Solid MC made shocking claims that he and Chezza had been involved in some sort of relationship following her split from Ashley Cole. According to an interview in a top celebrity magazine, Harvey states that ‘there was a relationship and attraction to each other's aura. I'm not going to sit here and say we went to this restaurant and that restaurant. But I'm sure people aren't stupid.’ He went on to add ‘We've known each other for years. But then (after Cheryl split with Ashley) we started confiding in each other. There was an attraction. That comes when you talk to people and Cheryl is a nice girl.’

Something to hide chez?

Just as journo’s were tripping over themselves to break this shocking news, Cheryl retorts with a massive ‘oh hell no!’ via twitter by angrily responding ‘was this "relationship" happening in your head @harveyofficial?! Are you smoking something? She then rubbed salt into the wound by adding ‘I think I've met you once maybe twice at public events and with your wife!! #sh*tjustgetsweirder”. Ouch!

But not one to step down, the rapper hit back at the girls aloud beauty with a string of angry tweets:

"Do you actually want me to tweet some of the messages you emailed me @cherylcole pipe down and stop playing the saint in front of your fans."

"I had your back @cherylcole until you sent that sh*t, disappointed in you if the public seen these emails you would end up with egg on your face."

"And let's get this straight @cherylcole I don't need no hype of you! I'd rather go broke and work in sainsburys than talk about your personal sh*t."

"This is not a twitter beef I still have massive respect for @cherylcole but you shouldn't of tweeted that knowing we both have personal messages to eachother #silenceinthecourt."

Ooh, touchy touchy!!

Not one to miss out on the action, Cheryl’s friend and band mate Nicola Roberts waded in to defend Cheryl, although what she said didn’t seem to help, but cause rather a few eyebrows to be raised, she tweeted ‘Emails..?? I think someone's been having you on mate.' before adding a hashtag which will probably go down in Twitter history: '#shedoesntdoemailsshedoesphonesex. Classic!

Wowsers, what would we do without Twitter eh? Now all we need is Alesha Dixon, Ashley Cole and half of So Solid Crew to join in and we’ll really have a party! Mind you, our Cheryl is no stranger to celebrity feuds; just ask Charlotte Church or Lily Allen.

Meanwhile, as Cheryl is licking her wounds over here, there’s drama galore at her old job on the X Factor USA. After a not so impressive series 1, Simon ‘Mr. grumpy’ Cowell decided to make a few changes and went all Alan Sugar on the other judges. In a humiliating move, host Steve Jones, Cheryl’s replacement Nicole Sherzathingy and pint-sized Paula Abdul have been given the axe. Whilst the other two doesn’t really surprise me, I was shocked to learn that Paula was given the chop as her and Simon are so close. In a statement, Paula has said ‘Yes, it’s true; I won’t be returning to The X Factor next season,' before adding 'I’ve learned through my longevity in this industry that business decisions often times override personal consideration.’

The aXe Factor!

Steve Jones took to his Twitter page to confirm his departure, telling his followers ‘I won't be hosting next seasons X Factor which is a shame but I can't complain as I've had a great time.’ Somehow I think  Steve’s' exit won’t be a big loss to X Factor fans as a lot of people complained that he didn’t fit in with the show and that for some reason they preferred Dermot O’Dreary.

So, now as it stands only Simon and music producer L.A Reid remain and the inevitable hunt for replacements can begin. Simon has spoken about his desire to have Mariah Carey on the panel, but apparently her husband Nick Cannon has said ‘Why would my wife want to be on a show like that? For somebody who has a legendary career, I don't know why they would.” Hey! If it’s good enough for Tulisa, then it’s good enough for Mariah!!

In other news:

• Forget a gold medal; Olympian Mo Farah has become the first person ever to complete The Cube. If you haven’t watched the ITV game show with Phillip Schofield, you should! It’s great. Mo scooped the £250k jackpot with an impressive 6 lives still intact!
• TOWIE's Lydia and large Arg have split again. Fast becoming the new Mark and Lauren, Lydia was seen sobbing throughout the whole of Sundays episode whilst Arg wondered around like a plonker. Diddums.
• Peter Andre has spoken out again about something to do with his ex Katie Price. He says zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
• Caroline Flack can now safely leave her home now that she and Harry Styles are no more. Such a shame, because if they had only waited for a few weeks, Harry would have turned 18 and things may have been different for their relationship. They could have gone to the pub together, or went clubbing together, or shared a fag, or voted for someone for something...