Whereeeee haaaave yooouu beeeen?!

Whereeeee haaaave yooouu beeeen?!, I here you ask? Well excuse me! I have a job I have to work; I can’t just sit around all day writing about celebrities! Although, that’s EXACTLY what I want to do for a living, if you haven’t gathered. Anyway, I’m here now, so what have I missed? Well loads as it happens, I hardly know where to begin!! Well how about I break it down:

Love is in the air

Where's your hand Russell?

• Well of all the ‘WTF’ moments, this really took the biscuit! I’m talking about Russell Brand hooking up with none other than Geri Halliwell! Now this is a pairing that I do not get. I heard that they hit it off at the Olympic closing ceremony, where they both performed, and bonded over a mutual love and sandwiches and books. Now, I know that Russell loves to spice up his sex life, but I wasn’t expecting this!

• Apparently everybody’s favourite ‘I’m angry that my ex dumped me so I’m gonna write a song about what a heart-breaking b*****d he is’ singer Adele has married her lover Simon Konecki in secret. The ‘Someone like you singer’ who is due to give birth in October apparently wed her fiancé sometime last week and according to a source it was a ‘fabulous occasion.’ Well, whether reports are true or not, I wish them every happiness.

'This way Ashley, er  I mean Tre!'

• Chezza’s got a new man! Ok, so that’s all the excitement I can muster with this story, but it seems that Cheryl Cole has well and truly replaced Ashley by hooking up with a hot American dancer- nice one. The pair have actually been seeing each other for a few months and apparently its love. Ashley even popped around for a cuppa and offered the pair his congratulations before joining Cheryl’s fella Tre Holloway in a hearty game of croquet. Ok, I made that last bit up, but one can dream.

• She’s done it! Ok, not quite at the altar, but Jennifer Aniston has got engaged. The Hollywood actress, who has starred in legendary films such as ‘Along came Polly’ and ‘Marley and me’ has accepted boyfriend Justin Theroux’s proposal on his 41^st birthday. Looks like Jen has finally found her lobster! And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then just leave! Go on, get off my blog!!

So so so scandalous!

You think I'm posting the real pic so I get sued? I think not!

• Last week the world was rocked by a royal scandal. No, not that the Duchess of Cambridge has worn the same dress again (seriously guys, get over it!), but that Prince Harry has been flashing his crown jewels in a Las Vegas hotel room! Now for some, this is just a normal Friday night, but for a member of the royal family, it’s a bit frowned upon. According to reports, the Prince was having some fun splashing around in the pool with Olympic swimming champion Ryan Lochte (as you do) whilst on his hols. He later then invited a bevy of bikini-clad beauties to join him in a game of strip billiards. Well, to cut a long story short, he wasn’t very good and ended up parading around starkers with a lady friend. And because Hazza was amongst close friends whom he has known for years and can trust (ahem), a picture was taken and ended up in the papers! Now how did that happen?

• David Beckham and Katherine Jenkins. Now there’s two people you wouldn’t normally put together, but somehow they’ve been accused of having an affair.  But in a strange move, Katherine added fuel to the fire by angrily denying the affair on Twitter instead of ignoring the false accusations. She tweeted ‘I’ve read some horrible rumours on here & want u 2 know I absolutely deny I’ve had an affair with David Beckham.’ ‘The rumours are very hurtful, untrue & my lawyers tell me actionable.’ Okay Kath, I believe you, but I’m not sure I believe Lily Cooper who decided to pipe up with her own defensive tweets: ‘I’m really upset at the hurtful rumours going round about me having an affair with Jay Z. My lawyers tell me they are actionable.’

• Lindsay Lohan has been accused and now cleared of stealing jewellery from a Hollywood house party. The ‘actress’ who was found guilty for stealing a necklace in February, was apparently...WAIT A MINUTE! I’m gonna stop right here. This is no scandal; this is just a day in the life of the train-wreck that is Li-Lo. Someone seriously needs to hurry up and make a Mean Girls 2 before her life really goes to hell. Enough said.

Oh Em Gee!

Yes, she actually left her house like this!

• The claws are out for Jasmine Lennard and Kerry Katona! The ‘model’, who played with Simon Cowell’s naughty bits for 6 months, has lashed out at Katona after she said that Jasmine needed psychiatric help in her magazine column. Kezza stated ‘I was hoping Jasmine Lennard would stay in the house because she is so controversial. 'I can't believe they apparently had to hide knives from her – she clearly needs psychological help!' This didn’t go down well with Jasmine, the first to be evicted from this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, who released her inner bitch (wait, her bitch is out and proud!) by blasting the former Atomic Kitten star on Twitter, she tweeted: ‘HA HA HA...YOU...think I need help. Well...i think YOU need to start using contraception get over @BrianMcFadden stop taking...’ ‘Cocaine,lose a few pounds&start focusing on your children not boyfriends.I think your vile.#peasant’. Well, that sure told Kerry! But Jas do us a favour and assess your own life first- and eat some pies while you’re at it!

• Cheryl Cole and Will.I.Am were involved in a car crash last night! But fear not my darling readers, it was a minor accident. Chezza and Will were driving back from a late night studio session, and it seemed that Will demonstrated his awesome driving skills by crashing into a parked car- not so dope. Whilst Will’s airbag inflated in his face and caused a nose bleed, Cheryl’s airbag failed to inflate and so she slammed head-first into the dashboard causing bleeding and minor bruising. Thankfully the pair, who have collaborated on ‘Heartbreaker’ and 3 words’, were ok, and both took to their Twitter pages to reassure their fans. Maybe, this is the earth’s way of telling the Black Eye Peas star to get rid of that stupid haircut!- maybe.

That’s all for now folks! ;)

Oh no she di'int!!!

Erm, where's your hand Rupert?

Well well well, there’s scandal in our midst again as the big news in Hollywood is that Kristen Stewart has cheated on Robert Pattinson! Yes, the Hollywood ‘actress’ has done the dirty on her Twilight co star with the director of her latest movie ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’, Rupert Sanders. Oh my god, I hear you cry! Probably not over the fact that she cheated, but the fact that she managed to seduce another male! I mean, come on, she’s hardly the most alluring woman is she? With her face constantly looking like she’s just been slapped, I find it surprising that any fella would fall for her, but hey ho that’s just my opinion. 

However, given the fact that Kristen is just like her Twilight character Bella Swan, I can probably work out why she has two men fighting over her. She probably managed to entice Rob and Rupert in the same way as Bella managed to capture both Edward and Jacob’s hearts, and that is this:

• Mumbling incoherently and not stringing a full sentence together
• Shuffling her feet and staring at her hands, the floor, the sky, a wall etc
• Shrugging her shoulders and tucking her hair behind her ears
• Not listening to people or heeding advice, and thus putting herself and others in danger
• Isolating her friends and being weird with her father
• Being over-sensitive, moody, silly and downright annoying
• Not being attracted to normal, boy-next-door, average Joe guys

Hmmm, Kristen/Bella sounds rather familiar... a certain Anastasia Steele comes to mind, no? (Ladies, don’t even bother deny you know who I’m talking about you dirty buggers!)

Still, Kristen is very sorry for her actions and issued this grovelling statement: 

"I am deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardised the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Yes, very moving Kris, and very kind of you to actually acknowledge that you were in a relationship- it’s only been 3 years! Kristen has even offered to write a letter to Rupert Sanders wife, Liberty Ross and Sanders himself has issued a statement apologising for his actions.

But that isn’t enough for our Rob! The hunk (not my words) apparently wants to meet Rupert face-to-face to discuss what really happened with Kristen. Discuss? Yeah right! We all know you to want to use your vampire powers and open a can of whoop-ass on his butt! (Here’s hoping that Rupert Sanders possesses some kind of secret power or is an undercover wizard or merman- then that’ll make an interesting fight!)

Jokes aside, we have to think of the people that really matter the most in situations like this. The ones who will be heavily affected both mentally and emotionally from the fall-out of this shocking affair...

A suitably dramatic pic for the scandalous events

Yes, I am talking about poor Taylor Lautner! What’s the poor love going to do now? As if it wasn’t hard enough standing next to them when they were a lovey-dovey couple (ok, not so much but they probably whispered naughty, sexual things to each other whilst Taylor was in ear-shot) but now he has to put up with them when they’ll be at logger heads. I can imagine it now:

Robert: Taylor, tell Kristen to move her big head out the way, she’s stopping the cameras from capturing my best side.

Taylor: Kristen, Robert said can you move your big head out the way...

Kristen: Taylor, tell Robert to quit whinging. I’m the biggest star now, not him! Now I’ve had a scandalous affair, the roles will be pouring in and I can play any moody, incoherent, socially inept, self-conscious miserable teenage girl I want!

Taylor: Robert, Kristen said to stop whinging...

Yep, I bet he can wait for the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 promotional tour to start!

Katie prepares to strut her stuff!

Strictly come raunchy?

Breaking news! Ok, not breaking but news that will make you scoff, laugh out loud or spit out whatever you’re currently eating. Ready? It has emerged that Katie Price and her fella Leandro Penna are set to appear in the Argentinean version of Strictly Come Dancing! Yes, you heard that right, Katie will be squeezing herself in a tight, sparkly costume, with loads of make-up on and will be prancing around for all to see- so no change there then! The couple, who have one of those annoying on again, off again relationships will appear on the show called Bailando Por Un Sueno. During a webcam interview with the channel that airs the show, Katie (known to us as Jordan) was asked if she would like to dance with her Argentinean toyboy, to which she replied (in Spanish) ‘Si Si Si!’ Her model boyfriend then added ‘The truth is she's very jealous and won't let me dance with anyone unless it's her. It seems I'm going to have to bring her to Argentina. She'll dance with me’. Erm, not sure how the professional dancers will take that love. 

Obviously, Jordan hasn’t learnt her lesson and is defying the public demand for her NOT to collaborate with her men. Clearly she has forgotten her cringe worthy duet with then hubby Peter André; unfortunately, we haven’t. (A whole new world anyone?)

Still, the reality show should be right up Katie’s street as it has a reputation for being very racy. In the past, contestants have delivered some raunchy performances including one couple who danced stark naked! And with ex Baywatch pin-up Pamela Anderson a former star, this should be right up Katie’s street!

Secret lovers?

A secret affair between Simon Cowell and Dannii Minogue has been revealed in an unauthorized book about the music mogul. Coming less than two weeks after Dannii confirmed her split with boyfriend Kris Smith, the explosive book tells of Simon's love of former X Factor colleague Dannii; he’s quoted as saying ‘I had a crush on her. It was Dannii's hair, the sexy clothes and the t**s. I was like a schoolboy. She was foxy. She was a real man's girl. Very feminine.'

 

The short-lived affair, which allegedly took place in 2007, was apparently one of the reasons Sharon Osbourne had hated Dannii so much and could explain the visible rift between the then X Factor judges.  Ooh-er! And it appears that the fling was well and truly over by the time Cheryl Cole joined the panel, for she had took pride of place next to Simon, a seat Dannii formerly occupied.

This is all well and good, but what I wanna know is, what about Louis Walsh? Who’s he having an affair with? Now that would be a story!

With legions of screaming teenage girls following them around the globe in Beatle mania-like hysteria, it seems that One Direction have well and truly made it. And if ever the handsome boy band had any doubts over their level of fame, then a certain eBay auction will disperse all fears. Let me elaborate.

Fancy a bite? It'll cost ya!

In my last post, I spoke about how Niall had spat out a piece of toast that was spread with Vegemite (Aussie version of marmite) on an Australian daytime TV show. Somehow, some sly so and so at the studio saw an opportunity to make some dosh, and the discarded toast (not the one regurgitated, but the piece of toast he took a bite of) was promptly put on eBay. 

But here’s the crazy thing, this said piece of toast has reached bids of over $100,000! (£65,000). One hundred thousand dollars??? Wow! These boys really have hit the big time!  All I can say is that these bonkers individuals have got money to burn! I’ve got some banana peel in my bin if anyone’s interested? No? Okay.  To prove how much the boys fame has rocketed, let’s take a look at some other famous auctions containing celebrities used crap: 

1. Britney Spears’ chewing gum. Disgusting I know, but some weird person actually brought Brit’s discarded gum for £164 back in 2004.
2. Scarlett Johansson’s used tissue. Perhaps even more gross than Brit’s minty money-earner (if that's at all possible!). Scarlett’s tissue fetched £3,320 on eBay. The money went to charity, but that still doesn’t excuse the frowziness.
3. Justin Bieber’s hair. What’s up with these teenage heartthrobs? Before toastgate, came the ludicrous money spent on Justin’s lock of hair when he finally gave that stupid barnet a trim. A stupid woman brought the said hair for £25,000.  -_-
4. Justin Timberlake’s French toast. After taking one bite of the French toast made for him, one cunning individual sold the hardly eaten toast, along with the fork and plate used and made a tidy profit of £1,970. Nice one.

So there you have it. Remember kids, there’s no need to get a job. Just stalk a high profile celebrity, wait for them to discard something gross, pop it on eBay and Bobs your uncle! Ker-ching!