Oh my god, The X Factor is a fix! No sh*t Sherlock!

What the hell did you expect? After loads of speculation that the reality show’s star is fading and that viewing figures have dramatically dropped since last year, it’s to be expected that producers would have to pull out the stops for the first live shows of this year. And with stiff competition from BBC rivals Strictly Come Dancing, who’ve secured big name stars this year including 2 Olympians, a bit of controversy is just what the doctor ordered! 

Let’s just skip the actual singing part (which was really boring and full of naff, predictable and cliché song choices) and get right down to the vote off. In the bottom two were Rylan Clark, whose remixed rendition of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’ was actually quite entertaining and Carolynne Poole, who apparently did a country version of Nicki Minaj’s 'Starships'- but I missed this because I went to make a cup of tea. Now, unless you’ve been on another planet (or you just don’t watch The X Factor) you’ll know that Rylan has been receiving a lot of stick over the fact he is still in the competition (because he can’t actually sing) and also that Carolynne is a perfectly good singer who just missed out on the live shows last year.

Judgement day: Rylan and Carolynne

 So bearing this and their final ‘sing-off’ performances in mind, when it came down to Louis, who had the deciding vote (and was also the judge who eliminated Carolynne from the competition the previous year), it should have been a straight forward bye-bye to Rylan, right? Wrong! Cue the drama and controversy:

• Louis ‘toing’ and ‘froing’ apparently facing the hardest decision of his life (even though he goes through this same sh*t every year
• Dermot shouting at Louis to hurry up and choos
• Nicole and Gary both urging Louis to save their acts
• Tulisa hounding Louis to just pick one while Louis pulls his hair out in anguis
• A silent, unknown figure crouching down to have a quiet word in Louis ear
• Louis then saving Carolynne, but immediately changing his mind and taking it to deadlock
• The gasps of horror when Dermot reveals that it was in fact Carolynne who got the lowest number of votes and will be going home
• The boos from the crowd as a shocked Rylan hugs a distraught Carolynne
• An outraged Gary storming off stage

My oh my! You see, it’s not me making it exciting, this actually happened and that is EXACTLY what the producers wanted. All last night and throughout the day, it wasn’t strictly that everyone was tweeting about, it was The X Factor. Everyone was declaring- it’s The Fix Factor! And they are probably right.  Don’t you see people, the x factor is no longer just a singing competition, it’s an entertainment show. It relies on outlandish characters, controversies, name-changes, romances and scandal to keep it alive. No longer are the days when raw singing talent are enough to satiate the ever demanding audiences- that’s what The Voice is for, and look how that compared. We must learn to accept that the X Factor has lost its sparkle and is in reality Eastenders with music and make-over’s. So let’s stop debating, stop arguing, stop voting (coz you’re wasting your time and money) and sit back and enjoy the ride, or as they like to say; the ‘emotional rollercoaster’.

Who would you have saved? Take a look at their performances below:

Whereeeee haaaave yooouu beeeen?!

Whereeeee haaaave yooouu beeeen?!, I here you ask? Well excuse me! I have a job I have to work; I can’t just sit around all day writing about celebrities! Although, that’s EXACTLY what I want to do for a living, if you haven’t gathered. Anyway, I’m here now, so what have I missed? Well loads as it happens, I hardly know where to begin!! Well how about I break it down:

Love is in the air

Where's your hand Russell?

• Well of all the ‘WTF’ moments, this really took the biscuit! I’m talking about Russell Brand hooking up with none other than Geri Halliwell! Now this is a pairing that I do not get. I heard that they hit it off at the Olympic closing ceremony, where they both performed, and bonded over a mutual love and sandwiches and books. Now, I know that Russell loves to spice up his sex life, but I wasn’t expecting this!

• Apparently everybody’s favourite ‘I’m angry that my ex dumped me so I’m gonna write a song about what a heart-breaking b*****d he is’ singer Adele has married her lover Simon Konecki in secret. The ‘Someone like you singer’ who is due to give birth in October apparently wed her fiancé sometime last week and according to a source it was a ‘fabulous occasion.’ Well, whether reports are true or not, I wish them every happiness.

'This way Ashley, er  I mean Tre!'

• Chezza’s got a new man! Ok, so that’s all the excitement I can muster with this story, but it seems that Cheryl Cole has well and truly replaced Ashley by hooking up with a hot American dancer- nice one. The pair have actually been seeing each other for a few months and apparently its love. Ashley even popped around for a cuppa and offered the pair his congratulations before joining Cheryl’s fella Tre Holloway in a hearty game of croquet. Ok, I made that last bit up, but one can dream.

• She’s done it! Ok, not quite at the altar, but Jennifer Aniston has got engaged. The Hollywood actress, who has starred in legendary films such as ‘Along came Polly’ and ‘Marley and me’ has accepted boyfriend Justin Theroux’s proposal on his 41^st birthday. Looks like Jen has finally found her lobster! And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then just leave! Go on, get off my blog!!

So so so scandalous!

You think I'm posting the real pic so I get sued? I think not!

• Last week the world was rocked by a royal scandal. No, not that the Duchess of Cambridge has worn the same dress again (seriously guys, get over it!), but that Prince Harry has been flashing his crown jewels in a Las Vegas hotel room! Now for some, this is just a normal Friday night, but for a member of the royal family, it’s a bit frowned upon. According to reports, the Prince was having some fun splashing around in the pool with Olympic swimming champion Ryan Lochte (as you do) whilst on his hols. He later then invited a bevy of bikini-clad beauties to join him in a game of strip billiards. Well, to cut a long story short, he wasn’t very good and ended up parading around starkers with a lady friend. And because Hazza was amongst close friends whom he has known for years and can trust (ahem), a picture was taken and ended up in the papers! Now how did that happen?

• David Beckham and Katherine Jenkins. Now there’s two people you wouldn’t normally put together, but somehow they’ve been accused of having an affair.  But in a strange move, Katherine added fuel to the fire by angrily denying the affair on Twitter instead of ignoring the false accusations. She tweeted ‘I’ve read some horrible rumours on here & want u 2 know I absolutely deny I’ve had an affair with David Beckham.’ ‘The rumours are very hurtful, untrue & my lawyers tell me actionable.’ Okay Kath, I believe you, but I’m not sure I believe Lily Cooper who decided to pipe up with her own defensive tweets: ‘I’m really upset at the hurtful rumours going round about me having an affair with Jay Z. My lawyers tell me they are actionable.’

• Lindsay Lohan has been accused and now cleared of stealing jewellery from a Hollywood house party. The ‘actress’ who was found guilty for stealing a necklace in February, was apparently...WAIT A MINUTE! I’m gonna stop right here. This is no scandal; this is just a day in the life of the train-wreck that is Li-Lo. Someone seriously needs to hurry up and make a Mean Girls 2 before her life really goes to hell. Enough said.

Oh Em Gee!

Yes, she actually left her house like this!

• The claws are out for Jasmine Lennard and Kerry Katona! The ‘model’, who played with Simon Cowell’s naughty bits for 6 months, has lashed out at Katona after she said that Jasmine needed psychiatric help in her magazine column. Kezza stated ‘I was hoping Jasmine Lennard would stay in the house because she is so controversial. 'I can't believe they apparently had to hide knives from her – she clearly needs psychological help!' This didn’t go down well with Jasmine, the first to be evicted from this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, who released her inner bitch (wait, her bitch is out and proud!) by blasting the former Atomic Kitten star on Twitter, she tweeted: ‘HA HA HA...YOU...think I need help. Well...i think YOU need to start using contraception get over @BrianMcFadden stop taking...’ ‘Cocaine,lose a few pounds&start focusing on your children not boyfriends.I think your vile.#peasant’. Well, that sure told Kerry! But Jas do us a favour and assess your own life first- and eat some pies while you’re at it!

• Cheryl Cole and Will.I.Am were involved in a car crash last night! But fear not my darling readers, it was a minor accident. Chezza and Will were driving back from a late night studio session, and it seemed that Will demonstrated his awesome driving skills by crashing into a parked car- not so dope. Whilst Will’s airbag inflated in his face and caused a nose bleed, Cheryl’s airbag failed to inflate and so she slammed head-first into the dashboard causing bleeding and minor bruising. Thankfully the pair, who have collaborated on ‘Heartbreaker’ and 3 words’, were ok, and both took to their Twitter pages to reassure their fans. Maybe, this is the earth’s way of telling the Black Eye Peas star to get rid of that stupid haircut!- maybe.

That’s all for now folks! ;)

Oh no she di'int!!!

Erm, where's your hand Rupert?

Well well well, there’s scandal in our midst again as the big news in Hollywood is that Kristen Stewart has cheated on Robert Pattinson! Yes, the Hollywood ‘actress’ has done the dirty on her Twilight co star with the director of her latest movie ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’, Rupert Sanders. Oh my god, I hear you cry! Probably not over the fact that she cheated, but the fact that she managed to seduce another male! I mean, come on, she’s hardly the most alluring woman is she? With her face constantly looking like she’s just been slapped, I find it surprising that any fella would fall for her, but hey ho that’s just my opinion. 

However, given the fact that Kristen is just like her Twilight character Bella Swan, I can probably work out why she has two men fighting over her. She probably managed to entice Rob and Rupert in the same way as Bella managed to capture both Edward and Jacob’s hearts, and that is this:

• Mumbling incoherently and not stringing a full sentence together
• Shuffling her feet and staring at her hands, the floor, the sky, a wall etc
• Shrugging her shoulders and tucking her hair behind her ears
• Not listening to people or heeding advice, and thus putting herself and others in danger
• Isolating her friends and being weird with her father
• Being over-sensitive, moody, silly and downright annoying
• Not being attracted to normal, boy-next-door, average Joe guys

Hmmm, Kristen/Bella sounds rather familiar... a certain Anastasia Steele comes to mind, no? (Ladies, don’t even bother deny you know who I’m talking about you dirty buggers!)

Still, Kristen is very sorry for her actions and issued this grovelling statement: 

"I am deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardised the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Yes, very moving Kris, and very kind of you to actually acknowledge that you were in a relationship- it’s only been 3 years! Kristen has even offered to write a letter to Rupert Sanders wife, Liberty Ross and Sanders himself has issued a statement apologising for his actions.

But that isn’t enough for our Rob! The hunk (not my words) apparently wants to meet Rupert face-to-face to discuss what really happened with Kristen. Discuss? Yeah right! We all know you to want to use your vampire powers and open a can of whoop-ass on his butt! (Here’s hoping that Rupert Sanders possesses some kind of secret power or is an undercover wizard or merman- then that’ll make an interesting fight!)

Jokes aside, we have to think of the people that really matter the most in situations like this. The ones who will be heavily affected both mentally and emotionally from the fall-out of this shocking affair...

A suitably dramatic pic for the scandalous events

Yes, I am talking about poor Taylor Lautner! What’s the poor love going to do now? As if it wasn’t hard enough standing next to them when they were a lovey-dovey couple (ok, not so much but they probably whispered naughty, sexual things to each other whilst Taylor was in ear-shot) but now he has to put up with them when they’ll be at logger heads. I can imagine it now:

Robert: Taylor, tell Kristen to move her big head out the way, she’s stopping the cameras from capturing my best side.

Taylor: Kristen, Robert said can you move your big head out the way...

Kristen: Taylor, tell Robert to quit whinging. I’m the biggest star now, not him! Now I’ve had a scandalous affair, the roles will be pouring in and I can play any moody, incoherent, socially inept, self-conscious miserable teenage girl I want!

Taylor: Robert, Kristen said to stop whinging...

Yep, I bet he can wait for the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 promotional tour to start!

Welcome to 2012!

Happy New Year! And what a year 2011 has been! From all the X Factor scandals to the super-injunction sensation, celeb breakups and hook-ups, births, deaths and TV tantrums, 2012 has a lot to live up to!

Mum's the word

 And kicking us off in the New Year is none other than the talented Peaches Geldof who it was announced today is up the duff. The 22- year old boomtown brat is expecting her first child with fiancé Thomas Cohen, whom she became engaged to late last year. It seems that Peaches is taking marriage seriously this time around after her last marriage to a scruffy looking bloke named Max Drummey only lasted 6 months, that coming after only a 10 day romance. She recently said that ‘we don't want to get married for a couple of years yet.’ Very sensible Peaches. Their spokesperson has stated that ‘Peaches is utterly thrilled and they have the full support of both of their families who are equally excited for the baby's arrival.’ Looks like wild child Peaches has finally grown up.

Waltzing away!

 Meanwhile singer Alesha Dixon sparked controversy by sensationally quitting Strictly Come Dancing and allegedly jumping ship to Britain’s Got Talent! Knowing all the rivalry between the BBC’s and ITV’s two major shows (Strictly and X Factor), Alesha must have known the move will ruffle a few feathers, especially the furor surrounding her getting the job in the first place! Perhaps it’s the lure of the mega pay packet  she’s expected to get or perhaps by getting close to Simon Cowell (who’s apparently back on the panel) she thinks her fledgling music career will receive a much needed boost, either way her decision has raised a few eyebrows. As expected, the race for who will replace her is on with names such as Kara Tointon, Miranda Hart and even Arlene Phillips being bandied about.  Whoever does get the job, they should be sure to watch out for Bruno Tonioli and those flailing arms of his!

In other news, there’s drama with Sarah Harding as it is emerged that she was involved in a domestic violence dispute with her boyfriend who she met in rehab. In what sounds like a horrific ordeal, Sarah told a tabloid newspaper how Theo De Vries ‘grabbed me by my hair — throwing my head on the floor’. But it appears that the Lancashire lass gave as good as she got as she described how ‘He was smacking my head on the floor. He bit my ear. And when I kicked him to try and get him off me, I got his nose and he was bleeding.’ Let’s just hope Sarah’s problems get resolved as soon as possible.

Over in Hollywood there are marriages and divorces galore as Justin Timberlake popped the question to Jessica Biel whilst Russell Brand served poor Katy Perry with divorce papers!  Phew! Celebland never fails to keep us entertained.

Stay tuned for the first reality TV shows of the year; Celebrity Big Brother and Dancing on Ice. Plus look out for my Letter of the Week where each week I address a certain celeb and tell them exactly what I think!

Hope you enjoy! 

Niomi xxx