Oh no she di'int!!!

Erm, where's your hand Rupert?

Well well well, there’s scandal in our midst again as the big news in Hollywood is that Kristen Stewart has cheated on Robert Pattinson! Yes, the Hollywood ‘actress’ has done the dirty on her Twilight co star with the director of her latest movie ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’, Rupert Sanders. Oh my god, I hear you cry! Probably not over the fact that she cheated, but the fact that she managed to seduce another male! I mean, come on, she’s hardly the most alluring woman is she? With her face constantly looking like she’s just been slapped, I find it surprising that any fella would fall for her, but hey ho that’s just my opinion. 

However, given the fact that Kristen is just like her Twilight character Bella Swan, I can probably work out why she has two men fighting over her. She probably managed to entice Rob and Rupert in the same way as Bella managed to capture both Edward and Jacob’s hearts, and that is this:

• Mumbling incoherently and not stringing a full sentence together
• Shuffling her feet and staring at her hands, the floor, the sky, a wall etc
• Shrugging her shoulders and tucking her hair behind her ears
• Not listening to people or heeding advice, and thus putting herself and others in danger
• Isolating her friends and being weird with her father
• Being over-sensitive, moody, silly and downright annoying
• Not being attracted to normal, boy-next-door, average Joe guys

Hmmm, Kristen/Bella sounds rather familiar... a certain Anastasia Steele comes to mind, no? (Ladies, don’t even bother deny you know who I’m talking about you dirty buggers!)

Still, Kristen is very sorry for her actions and issued this grovelling statement: 

"I am deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardised the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Yes, very moving Kris, and very kind of you to actually acknowledge that you were in a relationship- it’s only been 3 years! Kristen has even offered to write a letter to Rupert Sanders wife, Liberty Ross and Sanders himself has issued a statement apologising for his actions.

But that isn’t enough for our Rob! The hunk (not my words) apparently wants to meet Rupert face-to-face to discuss what really happened with Kristen. Discuss? Yeah right! We all know you to want to use your vampire powers and open a can of whoop-ass on his butt! (Here’s hoping that Rupert Sanders possesses some kind of secret power or is an undercover wizard or merman- then that’ll make an interesting fight!)

Jokes aside, we have to think of the people that really matter the most in situations like this. The ones who will be heavily affected both mentally and emotionally from the fall-out of this shocking affair...

A suitably dramatic pic for the scandalous events

Yes, I am talking about poor Taylor Lautner! What’s the poor love going to do now? As if it wasn’t hard enough standing next to them when they were a lovey-dovey couple (ok, not so much but they probably whispered naughty, sexual things to each other whilst Taylor was in ear-shot) but now he has to put up with them when they’ll be at logger heads. I can imagine it now:

Robert: Taylor, tell Kristen to move her big head out the way, she’s stopping the cameras from capturing my best side.

Taylor: Kristen, Robert said can you move your big head out the way...

Kristen: Taylor, tell Robert to quit whinging. I’m the biggest star now, not him! Now I’ve had a scandalous affair, the roles will be pouring in and I can play any moody, incoherent, socially inept, self-conscious miserable teenage girl I want!

Taylor: Robert, Kristen said to stop whinging...

Yep, I bet he can wait for the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 promotional tour to start!

Hate to say I told you so!

A woman scorned

Ok, so I didn’t tell her, but I knew it would happen! Allegations have emerged that footballer Jermain Defoe has cheated on girlfriend Alexandra Burke. And if these allegations are true, I can’t say I’m  entirely surprised. After all, Jermain Defoe doesn’t exactly have a good track record with commitment does he? The lothario is more famous for showing off his ball skills in the bedroom rather than the pitch and has somehow manage to lure such intellectual beauties such as Charlotte Mears (Google her if you don’t know), Danielle Lloyd and everyone’s favourite home-wrecker; Imogen Thomas. 

To be honest, I was rather surprised when I heard he was going out with Alexandra, after all she does have talent and a proper career as opposed to his previous conquests. I thought perhaps things may be different this time as Alex may have been able to provide Jermaine with some stimulating conversation to keep him engaged for more than five minutes. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be! One flash of skirt and a whiff of cheap perfume and he’s off like a dog chasing a bone! Sorry Alex, it looks like your gonna have to change your taste in men, because this is what happens when you go with a bad boy!

Third time lucky for Katie?

Who’s gonna take Katie up the aisle? Well it seems like Leandro Penna is the man for the job as he’s only gone and proposed to girlfriend Katie Price! The glamour model, who last year claimed she’ll never marry again after the breakdown of her second marriage, has seemingly changed her mind and accepted her Argentinean toy boy’s proposal. This will make Leandro Katie’s third husband as she was formerly wed to ‘singer’ Peter Andre and ‘cagefighter’ Alex Reid. I’m sure Katie’s really excited to get wed again, but surely she can’t top her fairytale, gypsy-like wedding to Pete? Or even be able to emulate the romance of eloping to Las Vegas to marry Alex.

 She should justbe done with it and have a quickie in Gretna Green registry offices followed by a slap-up meal at Toby Carvery. At least their first dance will be great as the couple is set to appear on Argentina’s version of Strictly Come Dancing. Just one thing Katie, you’ve got that small matter of divorcing Alex first!

Also this week:

• Delusion alert! Ever since her suspension from TOWIE last week, Lauren Goodger has been lying low. But behind closed doors it’s emerged that Lauren has been counting column inches as- get this- she believes that she is as famous as Jordan or even Cheryl Cole! Wow, looks like that TOWIE fame has gone to her head. Maybe a break from the show will do her good!
• The claws are out! Apparently Beyoncé does not approve of Kanye West’s relationship with reality star Kim Kardashian. The ‘Love on top’singer is allegedly unimpressed by Kim’s sex-tape past and dalliances with other men. The conservative star, who is married to Jay-Z, has told in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t want Kim hanging around in her exclusive circle! Well, it looks like Kim has got some even better mates as only last week, she was having dinner with the president!
• Hold the front page- Jessica Simpson has finally given birth! After what seems to have been forever, the singer revealed on her website that she has given birth to a girl called Maxwell Drew Johnson. The baby weighed an enormous 9lb, 13oz- no wonder jess looked as big as a house! Nonetheless, congratulations Eric and Jessica!
• Cat fight! Jenny Frost has let slip that any potential Atomic Kitten reunions will take place without Kerry Katona. Jenny, who replaced Kerry in the band in 2001, has said ‘I don't want to be derogatory about Kerry, but there shouldn't be four of us in Atomic Kitten’. This remark is a far cry from what she said about Kerry a few years back, stating that she would rather eat her own kidney with a spoon than work with Kerry. Meow!  

If for some reason you forgot that Kerry Katona was in fact a member of Atomic Kitten, here is a reminder. Please note that she doesn't actually sing, but rather speaks the words. (A bit like Lily Allen.)