You can take a boy out of Essex...

That TOWIE lot, don’t you just love them. Not contented with being confined to Wednesday and Sunday nights on ITV2, some of them have now decided to branch out on their own. Being on the successful, BAFTA winning The Only way is Essex have led some cast members to believe that they can now make it big without the show that made them famous. They have somehow got it into their perfectly groomed heads that there is life beyond the Essex bubble. Let’s observe:

Exhibit 1: Mark Wright. Known to some as the ‘King of Essex’, the cheeky charmer thought that he would be ruling everywhere he went, so he went to Australia. In the I’m a Celebrity jungle he showed off those impressive pecs, flirted outrageously with some Aussie bird and struck up a bromance to rival the infamous ‘Marg’. All that hard work paid off as he came second in the show.  So those clever people at ITV decided that this was enough to give him his own show presenting Take Me Out: The Gossip. Big mistake. For weeks now the Essex wide boy has been boring Britain with his bland presenting and vacant expressions. Reading an autocue does not make you a good presenter! If ITV has any sense, they’ll drop this show quicker than Russell Brand dropped his wife.

Exhibit 2: Amy Childs. The red headed bombshell was a hit on the show thanks to her ditzy antics in her glitzy salon with her itzy bitzy cousin. So she decided to fly the Essex nest and soar into the big wide world, well London actually. So off she trotted into the Celebrity Big Brother house and flirted and pouted her way to a not too shabby fourth place. And so the clever people at Channel 5 decided to grace her with her own fly-on-the- wall show called it’s all about Amy. Unsurprisingly the show has bombed and has been swiftly axed by show bosses. Apparently Amy driving to photo shoots and fussing about vajazzles in her salon doesn’t make interesting viewing- no s**t Sherlock!

Exhibit 3: Kirk Norcross. The night-club owner and notorious daddy’s boy made quite an impression on the ladies. I’m sure it was his remarkable personality and had nothing to do with his bulging bank balance. Away he left (or so he claims) to pursue pastures new, or in other words copying Amy by moving into Britain's most famous house (after the Queen’s of course).  Here, he showed off his exceptional pulling skills (‘are your boobs real?’) and fantastic geographic knowledge (we all mix up Australia and South America from time to time), endearing him to a very large handful of viewers. And although he’s yet to be snapped up, rumours are that the very clever people at Channel 5 are looking to sign him up for The Bachelor. Oh. What. Joy.

And so as the new series kicks off, I’m sure there will be a new batch of superstars popping up on all our channels.  Perhaps the recently axed Maria Fowler could present the Antiques Roadshow? Or maybe you’ll find Harry Derbridge, who’s also been dropped, joining the team on Eggheads? Only time will tell. In the meantime, let us relish at the recent news that Amy wants to appear on Dancing On Ice and that Mark is planning on ‘writing’ a dating book. However, I think it’s safe to say that Kirk won’t be appearing on Mastermind anytime soon.

Something in the water?

There must be something in the water over in celebrity land. What else could explain all these break-ups?  It’s bad enough with Russell Brand and Katy Perry calling it a day, with Katy unfollowing her ex on Twitter (the new way to say it’s over!), but this new batch of splits have shocked us to the core (and when I say us, I mean romantics who believe in soppy true love). Two unions whom I thought were more solid than Jodie Marsh’s biceps have parted ways: Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis & Heidi Klum and Seal. I’ll give you a moment to take this in…

I ape to say it, but Heidi and Seal are over

Ok, moment over. What oh what could have driven these two seemingly in love couples apart? Is it their hectic work schedules? The pressure of a relationship in the public eye? January blues? Whatever it is, it just goes to show that celebrities are indeed humans, they do love and they do hurt.  All I know is that Halloweens will never be the same again, now that Heidi and Seal have split. Which other A- list couple will dress as life-like apes or Hindu gods for their Halloween party? You won’t catch Brad and Angelina doing that!

Over on this side of the water, break-up fever is just as strong as it’s emerged that Tulisa and Fazer have broken up. I’m just as confused as anyone as I’m pretty sure that I saw pics of them last week looking loved up on a Caribbean island! Wow, I know people are always down after coming back from hols but come on guys! Also rumoured to be on the rocks is Simon Cowell and Mezhgan Hussainy. Now this is no surprise as Simon is more of a commitment-phobe than George Clooney, but when they became engaged, I had high hopes that she would finally be the one to tame Mr. Nasty. I guess not. And finally, bringing up the rear is Andrea McLean and her fella, some bloke called Steve. Now I don’t actually know anything about Steve, but she seems to be always be banging on about ‘my Steve’ on Loose Women. So maybe he’s sick of her talking about their relationship on national TV or maybe he’s finally realised he is married to the blandest, boring and dull person ever!  Whatever their reasons, it’s never nice when people break-up (except for Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik and that cheeky girl, that was all levels of wrong!)

Should never have happened...

Were only in January, but things are not looking good for love in celeb land. Here’s a list of couples I hope will stay together his year:

1.William and Kate. They gave us the most amazing wedding day ever and a day off work! They should be together for that alone!
2.Brad and Angelina. I am now finally over hating Angelina for being a ‘home-wreaker’ (shush, you thought that too!), so it’ll be a shame if they split now.
3.Tom and Katie. After all that jumping on the sofa and gross pda’s, this marriage better be worth the effort!
4.David and Victoria. I now can’t imagine one without the other. Now their family is complete, I can’t imagine them apart.
5.Edward and Bella. I haven’t read the last book so I don’t know how their love ends. But after getting her knocked up and then turning her into the living dead, Edward better stand by his girl!

Oh Bey-by!

Proud Parents!

Well well well, what a week it has been in showbiz, those celebs sure do give me a lot to talk about! First of all can I say a big congratulations to Beyoncé and Jay Z who this week have welcomed baby Blue Ivy Carter to the world. I must say for a music superstar and the King of Hip Hop, it’s not a very bling bling megastar name is it? I was thinking more like Queen Shaniqua Diamante Bling Star Carter, but maybe that’s a tad over the top? Still, I’m sure it’ll grow on me eventually. At least baby Blue will not have a care in the world whilst growing up; mega rich parents, fantastic musical influences and already a song written about her courtesy of her very smitten and talented daddy! Looks like she’ll be the hottest baby in town. I bet Harper Seven Beckham is spitting her dummy out as I speak!

Talking of the patter of tiny feet, hot on the heels of Peaches Geldof is Sienna Miller who it is announced is expected a baby with boyfriend Tom Sturridge (me neither). Actually scratch that, he is now her fiancé! Wow, that Sienna moves fast. Just the other day, we were discussing her engagement to Jude Law (again). But hey ho, each to their own. Congrats to Sienna. Congratulations also to Rochelle Wiseman and Marvin Humes who recently got engaged on a romantic Caribbean getaway. I must say, Rochelle is one very lucky lady. Not only did she bag such a gorgeous, talented and super fit boyfriend but she got a £45.000 engagement ring and a £50.000 Range Rover thrown in as well! Jealous, me? Well yes actually, very jealous!

Only way is out!

Some people who are not so lucky are Towie stars Maria Fowler and Harry Derbridge, or should that be FORMER Towie stars. Although they both claim on their Twitter pages that they have decided to move on to concentrate on ‘new projects’, we all know that they were really axed by the producers. Why? Well let me tell you! Maria is as dull as dishwater, and as Kirk Norcross so beautifully put it, ‘she’s just an extra!’ All she ever was is Lauren Pope’s annoying best friend, and even a weird relationship with Kirk’s sad old father failed to save her! And harry? Well, he’s funny at times and his Lady Gaga routine had us all in stitches. But quite frankly, who is he without Amy Childs? The double act he had with his flame-haired cousin was one of the reasons we loved him, but now she’s gone he just looks like a lost little boy! Yes, the producers were right to let them go. The sad thing is, they’ll probably fade into oblivion as they don’t quite have the charisma, charm or personality to make it on their own like Mark Wright or Amy Childs. Looks like the only way is out for these two…

Niomi xxx

Welcome to 2012!

Happy New Year! And what a year 2011 has been! From all the X Factor scandals to the super-injunction sensation, celeb breakups and hook-ups, births, deaths and TV tantrums, 2012 has a lot to live up to!

Mum's the word

 And kicking us off in the New Year is none other than the talented Peaches Geldof who it was announced today is up the duff. The 22- year old boomtown brat is expecting her first child with fiancé Thomas Cohen, whom she became engaged to late last year. It seems that Peaches is taking marriage seriously this time around after her last marriage to a scruffy looking bloke named Max Drummey only lasted 6 months, that coming after only a 10 day romance. She recently said that ‘we don't want to get married for a couple of years yet.’ Very sensible Peaches. Their spokesperson has stated that ‘Peaches is utterly thrilled and they have the full support of both of their families who are equally excited for the baby's arrival.’ Looks like wild child Peaches has finally grown up.

Waltzing away!

 Meanwhile singer Alesha Dixon sparked controversy by sensationally quitting Strictly Come Dancing and allegedly jumping ship to Britain’s Got Talent! Knowing all the rivalry between the BBC’s and ITV’s two major shows (Strictly and X Factor), Alesha must have known the move will ruffle a few feathers, especially the furor surrounding her getting the job in the first place! Perhaps it’s the lure of the mega pay packet  she’s expected to get or perhaps by getting close to Simon Cowell (who’s apparently back on the panel) she thinks her fledgling music career will receive a much needed boost, either way her decision has raised a few eyebrows. As expected, the race for who will replace her is on with names such as Kara Tointon, Miranda Hart and even Arlene Phillips being bandied about.  Whoever does get the job, they should be sure to watch out for Bruno Tonioli and those flailing arms of his!

In other news, there’s drama with Sarah Harding as it is emerged that she was involved in a domestic violence dispute with her boyfriend who she met in rehab. In what sounds like a horrific ordeal, Sarah told a tabloid newspaper how Theo De Vries ‘grabbed me by my hair — throwing my head on the floor’. But it appears that the Lancashire lass gave as good as she got as she described how ‘He was smacking my head on the floor. He bit my ear. And when I kicked him to try and get him off me, I got his nose and he was bleeding.’ Let’s just hope Sarah’s problems get resolved as soon as possible.

Over in Hollywood there are marriages and divorces galore as Justin Timberlake popped the question to Jessica Biel whilst Russell Brand served poor Katy Perry with divorce papers!  Phew! Celebland never fails to keep us entertained.

Stay tuned for the first reality TV shows of the year; Celebrity Big Brother and Dancing on Ice. Plus look out for my Letter of the Week where each week I address a certain celeb and tell them exactly what I think!

Hope you enjoy! 

Niomi xxx