Oh no she di'int!!!

Erm, where's your hand Rupert?

Well well well, there’s scandal in our midst again as the big news in Hollywood is that Kristen Stewart has cheated on Robert Pattinson! Yes, the Hollywood ‘actress’ has done the dirty on her Twilight co star with the director of her latest movie ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’, Rupert Sanders. Oh my god, I hear you cry! Probably not over the fact that she cheated, but the fact that she managed to seduce another male! I mean, come on, she’s hardly the most alluring woman is she? With her face constantly looking like she’s just been slapped, I find it surprising that any fella would fall for her, but hey ho that’s just my opinion. 

However, given the fact that Kristen is just like her Twilight character Bella Swan, I can probably work out why she has two men fighting over her. She probably managed to entice Rob and Rupert in the same way as Bella managed to capture both Edward and Jacob’s hearts, and that is this:

• Mumbling incoherently and not stringing a full sentence together
• Shuffling her feet and staring at her hands, the floor, the sky, a wall etc
• Shrugging her shoulders and tucking her hair behind her ears
• Not listening to people or heeding advice, and thus putting herself and others in danger
• Isolating her friends and being weird with her father
• Being over-sensitive, moody, silly and downright annoying
• Not being attracted to normal, boy-next-door, average Joe guys

Hmmm, Kristen/Bella sounds rather familiar... a certain Anastasia Steele comes to mind, no? (Ladies, don’t even bother deny you know who I’m talking about you dirty buggers!)

Still, Kristen is very sorry for her actions and issued this grovelling statement: 

"I am deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardised the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Yes, very moving Kris, and very kind of you to actually acknowledge that you were in a relationship- it’s only been 3 years! Kristen has even offered to write a letter to Rupert Sanders wife, Liberty Ross and Sanders himself has issued a statement apologising for his actions.

But that isn’t enough for our Rob! The hunk (not my words) apparently wants to meet Rupert face-to-face to discuss what really happened with Kristen. Discuss? Yeah right! We all know you to want to use your vampire powers and open a can of whoop-ass on his butt! (Here’s hoping that Rupert Sanders possesses some kind of secret power or is an undercover wizard or merman- then that’ll make an interesting fight!)

Jokes aside, we have to think of the people that really matter the most in situations like this. The ones who will be heavily affected both mentally and emotionally from the fall-out of this shocking affair...

A suitably dramatic pic for the scandalous events

Yes, I am talking about poor Taylor Lautner! What’s the poor love going to do now? As if it wasn’t hard enough standing next to them when they were a lovey-dovey couple (ok, not so much but they probably whispered naughty, sexual things to each other whilst Taylor was in ear-shot) but now he has to put up with them when they’ll be at logger heads. I can imagine it now:

Robert: Taylor, tell Kristen to move her big head out the way, she’s stopping the cameras from capturing my best side.

Taylor: Kristen, Robert said can you move your big head out the way...

Kristen: Taylor, tell Robert to quit whinging. I’m the biggest star now, not him! Now I’ve had a scandalous affair, the roles will be pouring in and I can play any moody, incoherent, socially inept, self-conscious miserable teenage girl I want!

Taylor: Robert, Kristen said to stop whinging...

Yep, I bet he can wait for the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 promotional tour to start!