What's on the box?

Go away please!

Ok, series 43638 of TOWIE is now in full swing but every time I watch it, I go all mad like the incredible hulk. Why? Because they still insist on keeping cast members who are well past their sell-by date and to quote the Essex lot, they should jog on! Here’s my list of the top 5 people that should GO AWAY!

1.       Kirk Norcross. After his ‘dramatic’ return to the show last week, I was neither amused nor surprised. The spoilt brat left because he thought he had the charisma to do better away from the show- how wrong he was! A stint in Celebrity Big Brother was all he could muster, but after being all pally with notorious loser Frankie Cocozza and being rejected by those Playboy twins things went downhill from there. Although there were rumours that he was to star in the new series of The Bachelor, I guess producers realised he simply was not hot, smart or charming enough. Bummer!

2.       Mick Norcross. Omg, every time this man comes on the screen I have to scream! Why is he still there? Ok, I know he owns the Sugar Hut, but does that seriously mean his annoying mug has to be there all the time. Even when Kirk left, I thought he would disappear, but oh no! There he was, flaunting his money and chatting up girls who were supposed to be his son’s friends. Get rid!

3.       Nanny Pat. Now before you go saying I’m ageist, I like Nans. I like my own Nan, but I wouldn’t go taking her out with me to nightclubs whilst I drink with friends and do a little flirty dirty dancing with hot guys! So why does nanny pat insist on coming along to such events? Just stay at home with your sausage plait woman! Yesterdays episode saw her attempting to play netball with the other girls- give me strength!

4.       Danni Park- Dempsey. Even though I’m glad that TOWIE has finally introduced a character of colour to the show (I don’t mean orange) that better reflects the diversity of Essex, does it have to be her? Her voice, omfg her voice! Why would I enjoy watching someone who sounds like Joe Pasquale on acid?! And this whole Charlie/Bobby thing is really irritating too. If I put the TV on mute, then its ok, but otherwise- shutuuuup!

5.       James ‘Arg’ Argent. I used to love Arg. His partnership with best mate Mark was cute and I liked the Arg in series 1 and 2. But this whole thing with Lydia is too much and he’s turned into this bitter, rude obnoxious fellow who I don’t much like anymore.
      His relationships have been a shambles, he has manky feet and he can’t sing for sh*t! I know it’s not entirely his fault (Gemma was a nightmare and he’s surrounded by people telling him he’s talented) and I really want to like Arg again, so someone help this man- stat!
   
      Niomi xxx

Guess who's back, back again!
 

It’s that time of the year again when families gather around the box to watch a show that features countless sob stories, endless dramas and more diva fits that Naomi Campbell in a hotel room- no it’s not Eastenders, it’s The X Factor!

                                                                                                               

Following the success of last year’s winners Little Mix, who’ve recently scored a number one with their single Wings, the competition is fiercer than ever!

'So THIS is what I've been missing!'

And while some things remain the same, mainly the annual drama of an act having to drop out, group changes and name alterations, there is one thing that has completely altered the face of The X Factor. Louis has gone abroad! Yep, good old Lou Lou has swapped rainy Ireland for cool, sunny Las Vegas and he’s loving it! And with the former queen of The X Factor Sharon Osbourne at his side to help him choose his groups for the live shows, things are looking oh so glamorous for Louis!

Also taking advantage of the sunnier climes across the pond is the female judges. Lucky Tulisa is enjoying the delights of St Lucia alongside rapper Tinie Tempah while she tries to pick which girls to put into her top three, while Nicole is living it up in Dubai accompanied by international superstar Neyo who’ll be helping her decide which boys to put through.

'yep, this really is my house' *cough*

Meanwhile it looks like Gary Barlow has drawn the short straw as he’s had to stay in dreary England to choose his over 28’s, but its not all doom and gloom because helping him make those all important decisions is the lovely Miss Cheryl Cole! Nice one Gazza!

However, while it’s all hunky dory that the judges are basking in lavish surroundings; we must point out that it’s not their actual homes is it! Perhaps producers should consider changing the name of this stage from Judge’s houses to Judge’s hotels. Just a thought…

And now to the important bit, the final 12! They are… (Drum roll please!)

Girls: Ella Henderson, Jade Ellis and Lucy Spraggan

Boys: James Arthur, Rylan Clark and Jahmene Douglas

Over 28’s: Melanie Masson, Carolynne Poole and Kye Sones

Groups: GMD3, Union J and MK1

So there we have it, be prepared to see this dozen weep, strop, cry, pout, attempt to dance, beg and occasionally sing on your TV screens for the foreseeable future.

Be prepared to kiss your Saturday nights away because in the words of Dermot, your weekend starts right here! Before I go, here are my evaluations from this weekend’s show.

Most over used line: ‘It’s not good news, it’s great news!’ Stop, just STOP!

Best performances: Ella Henderson, James Arthur and Jahmene Douglas. A.MA.ZING!

Best Judges Location: It has to be Tulisa in St Lucia- did you se that bloody view?! Beautiful!

Crime against fashion: Tulisa for that hair- blonde is not your colour darling! And Jade Collins, don't worry dear, your still trying to 'find' your look. Gok will save you.

You were robbed: Nathan Fagan-Gayle and Amy Mottram. Sometimes these judges are blind/deaf/dumb. These two defo should’ve been in the top 3!

Best supporting act: The very expensive cushion that Rylan chose to wipe his snotty nose on maintained it's composure throughout and acted extremely professionally even though it probably wanted to knock Rylan out!

Yawn! Most boring sob story: well er, most of them actually. Christopher Maloney, Carolynne and Jade are the main culprits. I don’t care about your past; just sing for your future dammit!

The most dramatic reaction to a yes/best Oscar worthy performance/ The Kim Kardashian ugliest crier award goes to: Rylan Clark. Words cannot describe this, so here’s the video instead.

Niomi xxx

This sinks! Titanic drama not so epic

I love a good old period drama as much as the next person, but BBC1's new Titanic adaptation has left me with a sinking feeling. Although it’s rather obvious that nobody would be able to top James Cameron’s 1997 film starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo (marry me!) Di Caprio, the fact that Downton Abbey writer Julian Fellowes was at the helm left people with rather high expectations. However, I was bitterly disappointed and somewhat bored! I know that it’s unfair to compare this drama to the much-loved film, but to be perfectly honest; Mr. Fellowes should have expected it from the viewers. None of us was there on that fateful night in 1912, so all we have are memories of Rose and Jack’s beautiful but doomed romance and the epic portrayal of that great liner taking her first and last voyage. The powerful depiction of love and tragedy intertwined with magnificent special effects and the echoes of Celine Dion's now iconic ‘My heart will go on’ is why the original Titanic was so popular and successful. A mammoth act to follow indeed and although I know it wasn’t his intention to emulate the film but rather to show how the event affected different people, it still somehow lacked that certain something.

The fact that each of the four episodes shows the moment the Titanic is about to sink each week made it seem rather repetitive- in the same way as when Imogen Thomas flashes her boobs- great, but we’ve seen it all before. The structure is just confusing! The same moment retold but through another characters eyes. I found myself seeing bits in the second episode that I saw in the first, wishing that it’ll move forward, but it never did! It was like knowing that something great was about to happen, and you spend almost an hour in anticipation and then as you wait with baited breath…nothing! The credits roll and you disappointingly switch over to Homeland.  And don’t get me started on the characters! Stiff, cold and unanimated- and that’s before they reached the water! I found myself unable to connect with or care about any of them- the only exception being Annie Desmond played by the new Doctor Who sidekick Jenna Louise Coleman.

However, we are only 2 episodes in and the series dubbed ‘Downton at sea’ has 2 more in which to redeem itself, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and see it through to the end. With an 11 million pound budget and a cast of over 80 characters, it’ll be a shame if this show is a flop especially following the recent successes of period dramas Downton Abbey, Call the Midwife and Upstairs Downstairs. However, with viewing figures for the second week down 3 million from the first, it seems like the popularity of this show is going down faster than the great Titanic did 100 years ago.

Niomi xx

 Joey vs Ricky! Who will be the new King of Essex?

Does the King still reign?

Since the departure of Mark Wright last year, Essex has been looking for a new king. Mark’s Bessie mate James ‘Arg’ Argent  thought he would be the natural successor to the throne, but frankly with that pink dressing gown and those manky feet, it’s never gonna happen! So step forward two genuine competitors- the lovable Joey Essex and newcomer Ricky Rayment. Since his arrival in series 2 of The Only Way Is Essex, everyone’s favourite real life Ken has proved a major hit with both cast members and viewers. With his unbelievably tight trousers, orange Ugg boots and general ‘reem’ness, Joey seems a popular if somewhat unlikely competitor.

Meanwhile newbie Ricky Rayment seemed keen to portray himself as the resident ladies man. Obviously desperate to take over where Mark left off, Ricky has already been flirting with Lydia in a hot tub, biting Cara’s face and sending flirty texts to both Lauren G and Mark’s sister Jessica. 

Could Joey take the Essex crown?

But last night’s episode saw the two heavyweights (well actually Joey’s more like a featherweight) come to blows after tensions boiled over following accusations of bitching. Apparently Ricky had told a girl that Joey was ‘just a boy’, and of course in Essex nothing stays a secret so Joey soon heard about it. At the launch party of Lauren Goodger's salon (following the recent petrol bombing), Joey was seen complaining to his sister Frankie and cousin Chloe that Ricky was ‘not a cool guy’ and was clearly irritated at the fact that he had been bitched about. Then in what seems to now be an infamous TOWIE move, Joey went up to Ricky and said the famous words ‘can I have a word with ‘…’, before the gathered crowed parted. 

Could Ricky be the new King?

After confronting Ricky and exchanging angry words (something along the likes of ‘yeah but, no but, you’re a don’), things got very heated and Ricky was heard saying ‘What do you want me to say then? Get p**sed and go bitch about me behind my back. If you want to whack me up, just whack me up right now.’ Oooh! Joey then turned his back on Ricky which prompted the wannabe lothario to start shouting and cursing a la Gordon Ramsay, but not before insulting Joey’s sister Frankie. When she tried to intervene, he snapped at the blonde ‘No one's talking about you and no one ever will talk about you.'

Although what he said was right (seriously, Frankie who?), this caused the normally mild mannered Joey to go all Hulk-like. Rushing after Ricky, who had stormed out of the shop in a cloud of fake tan and glitter, Joey threw a punch and the two tumbled over as they indulged in a spot of manly fisticuffs. The scene then ended in an echo of screams and the distant laughter of a jubilant Mark Wright.

So there you go. In a rare sight it was the men who engaged in a catfight, a job usually reserved for Lauren Goodger and every girl who has ever looked at Mark.

Now tell me loyal followers, who will YOU crown the king of Essex? Joey ‘Mr. Reem’ Essex or Ricky ‘bite your face’ Rayment?

Arg just doesn't make the cut

Niomi xxx

Birdsong- music to my ears!

Oooh I love TV don’t you know? And as much as I love my soaps and reality TV, I do love a good old period drama adaptation! So imagine how excited I was when I heard Birdsong was coming to the BBC! The excitement was mainly due to the fact that Birdsong is my all time favourite book.  That’s for real you know, not just because it’s all trendy and some losers name it just to sound intellectual and all that. I do actually love and read it every summer! I’m not going to explain the book because it’s too long (so if you don’t know what it’s about, go away and read it and then come back).  For those of you who are fans of the book, I do hope you share with me the belief that the rather dishy Eddie Redmayne made a wonderful Stephen Wraysford. Now, that’s no mean feat as after years of reading this book I, and I’m sure many of you, had your own image of the moody lieutenant in your head. So it was a pleasant surprise when Eddie and his splendid cheekbones eased into Stephens’s character so well. 

The start of the show started off slow, and I must admit I was worried that I wouldn’t last the full 90 minutes. What made it difficult was Clémence Poésy’s strained acting. Better known as Fleur Delacour from Harry Potter, the French star seemed so desperate to adopt the role of the shy and timid Isabelle that she forgot to actually act properly. In my opinion there were too many pauses, too many anguished and forlorn looks and close-ups of eyes flushed with love that there seemed to be a distinct lack of dialogue. We know you fancy each other, so get on with it! And once they did, it became beautiful. Beautifully shot, beautiful music and beautiful Eddie Redmayne all over my TV! What made it special was that it stayed true to the book, which is always a delight for fans. The graphic scenes of soldiers shell wounds, the hustle and bustle of a busy French street, the hand knitted jumpers belonging to Weir and of course the deep, bellowing tones of Bérard singing at the dinner table! The parts that was changed (Jean meeting Stephen before the war for example) worked well as it fitted with the time-scale of the film. As was the flitting between the two eras of war and love, which seemed a smart move to hold the attention of those not too familiar with the book, which as fans know is told mostly in a chronological order.

 Ok there were some things that I noticed could have been better. For example, I’m no military expert, but aren’t soldiers meant to salute their higher ranking officers?  And I’m sure you’ll all agree that the Lisette who was cast was not the sultry, promiscuous Lisette that we all imagined.  Even so, that could be forgiven because the burning passion that encapsulated Stephen and Isabelle was enough to melt our hearts and the gritty realisation of the true horrors of war satiated our want for historical accuracy.  Scriptwriter Abi Morgan, responsible for current films Shame and The Iron Lady, has done a wonderful job of bringing a much loved story to life. This appreciation perhaps more deserved as we have spent years waiting for a film to surface and have been left disappointed by the rightfully short-lived stage version.  But the wait was worth it as we are delightfully greeted with a period drama to be proud of; oozing with triumph and tragedy, love and loss, and the most excellent cinematography, costume and sound. Yes this is a welcome addition to our Sunday nights, perfectly filling the void that the amazing Sherlock had left. 

Niomi xxx

On thin ice?

 It’s only the start of the year and TV is already hotting up, or should I say cooling down? Dancing on Ice returned this week with some brand new faces. Holly Willough-booby has skated off to present new BBC 1 show The Voice, and in her place left Daybreak reject Christine Bleakley.

Is the future bleak for Christine?

And bleak she was I’m afraid. Don’t get me wrong, I like Christine and she seems like a nice person, but she has nothing about her! No personality, no charisma, and there’s as much chemistry between her and Phil as there is with Alexa Chung and a meat pie! Another new face on the show is Olympic skating champion Katarina Witt, who although relatively unknown (unless you’re an actual fan of ice skating and not just celebrities falling on ice), knows exactly what she’s talking about and has enough charm and likability to satisfy viewers. Unlike the rather annoying Louie Spence! As if seeing him pirouetting at an opening of an envelope is not enough, some smart person decided to put him on a prime time show! Yes, he is very knowledgeable about dancing and is very good at what he does, but seriously can we really stand him for another 12 weeks? I think not! Bring back Jason ‘acid tongue’ Gardiner I say!

 As for the actual celebrity skaters, I’ll be brief. A mixture of has-beens and wannabes (what do we expect?) attempting to look graceful in pretty costumes is no mean feat. For some they glided through with ease (Jorgie Porter for example looked like she had been at it for months- wow!), however for others they were really skating on thin ice! Mark Rhodes, you are the new Todd Carty. And no, that’s not a compliment. The first evictee of the series Andy Akinwolere (Google him) did not deserve to go as he was not the worse and he was certainly better than Sugababe Heidi Range, whom he faced in the skate-off. But the judges had the final say and it was Andy who got the chop. Amusingly he said afterwards that Louie only evicted him because he didn’t fancy him! Move on dear, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. I am however looking forward to next week where Big Mo from Eastenders attempts her head banger, which should be fun…

They don't want to play...

Over in the Celebrity Big Brother house, the ‘stars’ seem to be settling in nicely. People have already established their roles in the household and so now the bitching and flirting can really begin. And it was the Playboy twins Kristina and Karissa, who were the first to sharpen their claws. Firstly by being catty about Nicola McLean’s cough and her fascination with their bums (really though, Kim Kardashian eat your heart out!) and secondly by criticizing Frankie and Kirks pathetic attempts to get into their pants. Just remember boys, these are no Essex birds or X Factor groupies; these are actual Playmates who have appeared in Playboy and lived with Heff in the Playboy mansion. Sticking your hands down your trousers and obsessively staring won’t cut it with these girls! And it seems that everyone’s got something to say about poor Andrew. The deluded guy clearly thinks he’s going to be the next big thing, if comments made by Natalie were true. The former soap star claims that Andrew believes he is next to be a judge on X Factor. She told her fellow housemates ‘He's so deluded, he thinks he's such a star when he's not. He thinks he's going to be a judge on X Factor. Its madness!’ Dear oh dear Andrew, no wonder you’re up for the chop! Coming out with comments such as ‘I’m great TV but I’m hard to understand’ and ‘I will brush myself off and rise again’ will not help your cause love! Mind you, even Andrew faces stiff competition for eviction as he is up against the curvaceous Georgia Salpa (nope, over to Google you go!) who’s so boring, she makes Leona Lewis seem like a hell raiser.  But don’t let me sway you, as they say, ‘who goes? You decide!’

'JEPIC!'

Normally known for its dodgy late night movies that nobody admits to watching, Channel 5 has perked up of late by thrusting upon us all the reality TV you could shake a stick at. Not content with Big Brother, this generous channel has presented us with Celebrity Wedding Planner AND When Paddy met Sally. Ok, so they’re not Bafta award winning shows, but who cares when you can watch Jedward dragging a giant gorilla onto a bus! They may not be the obvious choice of people to plan a wedding, but the ludicrous twins put in a great effort in giving one lucky couple their dream day. From providing popcorn at the ceremony which was held at a cinema, to making sure the ushers were nicely dressed as bell boys, Jedward sure did put in a ‘Jepic’ performance. I’m quite looking forward to next week’s episode where Kerry Katona attempts to show people how to get married in style; just like her last luxury nuptials at Gretna Green Registry Office. Nice! Meanwhile, her fellow Celebrity Big Brother stars Sally Bercow and Paddy Doherty were also making the most of their 15 minutes by starring in their own TV show. Just think of it as a cross between Wife Swap and The only way is a Campsite. One week speakers wife Sally is scrubbing Paddy’s toilet, the next the tables were turned and it was Paddy’s turn to don the marigolds. I can’t really tell you the rest as I had turned over by that point, but I’m sure it was as thrilling and engaging as Jordan’s latest autobiography. I can’t wait to see what Channel 5 has for us next…

Niomi xxx

P.S,  as a treat for you, here's Celebrity Big Brother star Romeo, who as well making Michael Madsen's zebra print pyjamas look extremely sexy, is also famous for being in So Solid Crew. Back in the day, all the cool kids used to listen to this, so act like you're cool and enjoy. Niomi done.