Oh no she di'int!!!

Erm, where's your hand Rupert?

Well well well, there’s scandal in our midst again as the big news in Hollywood is that Kristen Stewart has cheated on Robert Pattinson! Yes, the Hollywood ‘actress’ has done the dirty on her Twilight co star with the director of her latest movie ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’, Rupert Sanders. Oh my god, I hear you cry! Probably not over the fact that she cheated, but the fact that she managed to seduce another male! I mean, come on, she’s hardly the most alluring woman is she? With her face constantly looking like she’s just been slapped, I find it surprising that any fella would fall for her, but hey ho that’s just my opinion. 

However, given the fact that Kristen is just like her Twilight character Bella Swan, I can probably work out why she has two men fighting over her. She probably managed to entice Rob and Rupert in the same way as Bella managed to capture both Edward and Jacob’s hearts, and that is this:

• Mumbling incoherently and not stringing a full sentence together
• Shuffling her feet and staring at her hands, the floor, the sky, a wall etc
• Shrugging her shoulders and tucking her hair behind her ears
• Not listening to people or heeding advice, and thus putting herself and others in danger
• Isolating her friends and being weird with her father
• Being over-sensitive, moody, silly and downright annoying
• Not being attracted to normal, boy-next-door, average Joe guys

Hmmm, Kristen/Bella sounds rather familiar... a certain Anastasia Steele comes to mind, no? (Ladies, don’t even bother deny you know who I’m talking about you dirty buggers!)

Still, Kristen is very sorry for her actions and issued this grovelling statement: 

"I am deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardised the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Yes, very moving Kris, and very kind of you to actually acknowledge that you were in a relationship- it’s only been 3 years! Kristen has even offered to write a letter to Rupert Sanders wife, Liberty Ross and Sanders himself has issued a statement apologising for his actions.

But that isn’t enough for our Rob! The hunk (not my words) apparently wants to meet Rupert face-to-face to discuss what really happened with Kristen. Discuss? Yeah right! We all know you to want to use your vampire powers and open a can of whoop-ass on his butt! (Here’s hoping that Rupert Sanders possesses some kind of secret power or is an undercover wizard or merman- then that’ll make an interesting fight!)

Jokes aside, we have to think of the people that really matter the most in situations like this. The ones who will be heavily affected both mentally and emotionally from the fall-out of this shocking affair...

A suitably dramatic pic for the scandalous events

Yes, I am talking about poor Taylor Lautner! What’s the poor love going to do now? As if it wasn’t hard enough standing next to them when they were a lovey-dovey couple (ok, not so much but they probably whispered naughty, sexual things to each other whilst Taylor was in ear-shot) but now he has to put up with them when they’ll be at logger heads. I can imagine it now:

Robert: Taylor, tell Kristen to move her big head out the way, she’s stopping the cameras from capturing my best side.

Taylor: Kristen, Robert said can you move your big head out the way...

Kristen: Taylor, tell Robert to quit whinging. I’m the biggest star now, not him! Now I’ve had a scandalous affair, the roles will be pouring in and I can play any moody, incoherent, socially inept, self-conscious miserable teenage girl I want!

Taylor: Robert, Kristen said to stop whinging...

Yep, I bet he can wait for the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 promotional tour to start!

Jodie marsh and Kirk Norcross dating? WTF!

The happy couple: Kirk and Jodie

Yes, that’s the headline I gave this because quite frankly that’s exactly what I thought! Ex TOWIE star Kirk Norcross and glamour girl come body builder Jodie Marsh has apparently been dating and seem smitten with each other. What on earth possessed these two to get together?? Perhaps they were attracted to each other through their shared love of tattoos? Or their passion for hometown Essex? Maybe they chatted about appearing on Celebrity Big Brother?  Or is it that they bonded by swapping notes about their nose surgery?

Whatever brought them together, it does seem like an odd pairing. Mind you, anyone that Jodie dates does seem like an odd choice. Remember Kenzie from Blazin’ Squad? (I’ll give you a second to recall)

(And now I’ll give you another second to remember their ‘hit’ song... you know what it is... ‘see you at the crossroads crossroads crossroads’...there you go!)

Groping on the first date? How romantic!

Apparently even though the reality ‘stars’ have only been dating for about a week, they’ve been very open about their relationship from the beginning, even live tweeting throughout their first date! How romantic! During the evening in which Kirk splashed out and treated Jodie to a DVD on the sofa, the two kept their followers in the loop by tweeting and posting pictures. 

Jodie tweeted: ‘Right nobody disturb us. Me and @kirk_official are having a spooning session on the sofa with a film. We're too tired to go out.'

Meanwhile Kirk posted a similar message: ‘Having a spooning session with @JodieMarsh watching a film! #MmmmNice did someone say #50ShadesOfKirk ;-).'

Jodie also took the opportunity to reveal that she had seen her new man naked, although she did later insist that they had not slept together as she has been celibate for a year, she tweeted ‘Had the funniest day ever. Seen @kirk_official stark naked today. What a treat that was ‪#hunglikeadonkey x x x’ How sweet.

Looks like Jodie has found the Mr. Grey to her Miss Steele. I give it 3 months.

In other celebrity news:

• There’s another baby boom in celebville. Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to her first daughter Penelope Scotland Disick. Congratulations Kourtney, Scot and little Mason! 
• Adele and Lily Allen have also announced that their preggers. Adele is expecting her first child with boyfriend Simon Konecki (apparently she’s due in 2 months- wtf!) and Lily Allen is expecting her second child with husband Sam Cooper less than a year after having baby Ethel (hopefully she’ll think of a better name this time round!)
• Chantelle Houghton and Alex Reid are still yet to name their daughter who was born 3 weeks ago! Why don’t they just name her ‘Roxanne’ and be done with it, you know they want to!
• Nick Grimshaw is set to replace Chris Moyles as host of Radio 1’s breakfast show and I’m not happy! Not because I dislike 'Grimmers', it’s because Chris will now start thinking that he can continue to move into television. Er, no thanks! Haven’t you heard of the phrase ‘face for radio?’
• Kris and Bruce Jenner’s marriage appears to be on the rocks as it has emerged that Kris has been in contact with the man who helped end her first marriage. Kris had an affair with Todd Waterman over 20 years ago whilst she was still married to Robert Kardashian (the older, now deceased one not her son!), and the pair have recently been in touch via flirty emails and texts. But now Bruce has found out and is now furious at his wife, and so he should be! Watch this space! 

And because I'm sooo nice, for those of you who still don't know who Blazin' Squad is (tut tut), here's their biggest hit Crossroads! I know, I know, I'm great...

Moody Spice!

All grown up: Is that a smile Victoria?

Last week saw fans rejoice after the Spice Girls reunited for the press launch of their new musical, Viva Forever. Journalists and other important looking people with clipboards gathered in the St Pancreas Hotel (where if you’re a true fan you would know that this was the setting for their very first song Wannabe) where all five of the girls gathered together first time in ages to talk about their brand new venture. It should have been a momentous and happy occasion with lots of smiles and air kisses, but there seemed to be one problem- Victoria Beckham!

Yes, as ever posh spice stood there as if she simultaneously had a gun to her head, was chewing a wasp and had a rather uncomfortable wedgie! Now I know that her pout has become her trademark and when she’s showing off her latest designs to the fashion elite a scowl is acceptable, but when it comes to the fans, she could have at least flashed a smile! I mean, just a tiny one! And before you go on about how I hate on Victoria, I’ll have you know that she (as well as Emma) was my favourite Spice Girl! But over the years, as I’ve grown up I’ve realised that Victoria doesn’t seem to be grateful to the people who made her who she was in the first place. 

Back in the glory days

Take the Spice Girls reunion back in 2007. I along with countless others was super excited to see my favourite girl band back together and I spent my hard-earned cash to go and see them in concert. I was having such a great time singing along to all the old classics, but when it came to the solo stuff I was a bit disappointed. All the other girls sang one of their individual hits (actually Mel B did a Lenny Kravitz cover, but you get my drift), apart from Victoria. Instead Victoria put on her famous pout and strutted down a mock runway amidst a crowd of ‘papz’ and then disappeared off stage! It was literally a blink and you’ll miss it moment. It was such a disappointment. Now I know she’s not the greatest of singers and she knows this too, but on the other hand we know that Geri isn’t particularly talented in that area, but she still took the bull by the horn and belted out a lively version of her hit ‘Look at me.’ Oh how I wished posh had had the guts to get up on that stage and sing a solo track, ‘Out of your mind’ perhaps? I’m pretty sure that Dane Bowers would have jumped at the chance to crawl out of the woodwork and mime along to that track again!

We all know that Victoria is now known for her fashion, and what a sterling job she is doing of that. But she must realise that the Spice Girls is in her roots, and as much as she tries to forget, we never will! It wouldn’t have taken much to join in with the banter and joke along with the other girls- basically look like you wanted to be there! And what a let down that she never stayed and was whisked away within minutes of getting off the stage. Let’s just hope she cheers up in time for the musical’s launch at the end of the year. 

So come on Vic, who do you think you are? Don’t say you’ll be there and then act like you don’t wannabe a part of it! You’ve got to stop with this attitude or you’ll be making headlines for the wrong reasons! Is that too much to ask? You just need to holler at your girls, they’ll spice up your life and make you happy again! So say goodbye to those blues and remember, viva forever! 

And for your viewing and listening pleasure, here is my fave Spice Girls song- Say you'll be there. Enjoy! xxx