Letter of the Week

Dear Paris Hilton,

Just what is it that you do these days? After hearing reports that your publicists had reprimanded an Australian news reporter for questioning your dwindling fame and subsequently banning Aussie network Channel Seven from reporting about you, my main thought is: what exactly are you famous for these days? 

Long gone are the days when you and Nicole Richie were the spoilt but lovable socialites touring America on the TV show ‘the simple life.’ Putting your sex tape shame firmly in the past, you and Nicole captured the hearts of everyone by showing how naïve you were about ‘normal life’ and thus learning vital life lessons as you embarked on your incredible journey. Following your TV success, you both went on to lap up the out-pouring of love and adulation and basked in the riches of the fashion lines, perfumes and other business opportunities that came of it. 

Fast forward a couple of years, and whilst Nicole has put all the glitz and glamour behind her and has carved out a successful fashion design career as well becoming a wife and mother, you are still living in the dream world, clinging on to the hope that everyone still likes you. Well they don’t.  Your shambolic music career has simply proved that the public are bored of you pouting and posing at any event going-whether it be a red carpet event or the opening of an envelope. And let’s not forget your tragic reality show ‘The world according to Paris’. I had the misfortune to sit through one episode when I couldn’t find the remote and oh dear, how excruciating! A whole hour of you fussing about what to wear, doing photo shoots and accusing your assistant of being a spy! I’d rather watch Corrie!

These days we have the likes of the Ecclestone sisters and the Kardashian's running things on the socialite scene, and even their over-exposure and excessive lifestyles will become a bore to everyone eventually, so what makes you think that you are as desired as you once was? You need to see yourself as more of a fashion trend that has faded in time- like the trouser/skirt combo or ponchos. You may become popular again one day, but at the moment you’re as welcome as Imogen Thomas at a WI meeting!

Listen Paris, you’re a pretty girl who still has her looks and dare I say it, you are actually rather intelligent. The latter is very true in fact, as one knows you can’t have built your successful business empire simply by flattering those luscious lashes and blowing kisses! So why not shy away from the limelight and think about how you can put your millions to good use. All those contacts you have made must surely be beneficial to you in some way. When that Australian news reporter asked you ‘What about when you’re not famous anymore, what are you going to do?', and you replied that you wanted children and to have a normal life with your kids, maybe you should think about following those dreams? You never know, this could be the making of a brand new you! Because at the moment, we are sick of the current you! 

Yours sincerely,

Niomi x

Dear Denise Welch,

Now you’ve won Celebrity Big Brother, could you now do us all a massive favour? Put your boobs away! Pretty please? Over the past 3 weeks I’ve probably seen more of your boobs than your husband has. Yes, they are not in bad nick and not swinging around your ankles, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to go flashing at every opportunity! Perhaps it was the pressure of being in that house that makes you think that you’re a page 3 model? Yes that’s it, you were driven crazy by Michael Madsen’s constant put downs or Nicola McLean’s disgusting cough that sound like she’s choking on a horse! Whatever it is, please stop! Because whoever said ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it’, they were wrong!

And I’m sorry to burst your bubble even more, but I don’t think you were the most deserved winner of Celebrity Big Brother. There, I said it. I’m sorry, I think you are genuinely a lovely person (despite the serial flashing) with a warm personality, but it felt to me than you won the sympathy vote. I understand that Michael was difficult to live with and moody as hell, not to mention extremely uncooperative (how hard is it to name your last meal on earth??) and also that the twins and Nicola totally over-reacted about ‘bumgate’, but I still feel that some contestants should have ranked higher than you. Frankie for example was a worthy contender for the crown as he had us all in stitches every time he was on the screen. His excitement at sharing the house with playboy twins combined with drunken stumbles and boyish rebellion made him endearing to watch and he miraculously managed to turn around many people’s original perceptions of him. Another potential deserved winner (or should I say winners) were the twins Kristina and Karissa. They played the Big Brother game like no other. Tactical voting and turning housemates against each other are qualities that make iconic Big Brother housemates (think Nasty Nick or Slickman Victor).

But every time you were on the screen there seemed to be constant crying, whinging about Michael or embarrassing hot tub antics that funnily enough involved you showing your tits! Many have said that the stress of the house has led you to almost having a Vanessa Feltz style breakdown, and I’m afraid that it looks as though they were right. I’m no expert, but it seemed that you were so desperate so seek the approval of the all the housemates that you went to the extremes to please them? For example drunkenly acting rowdy and flashing the flesh to appeal to younger housemates like Frankie and Kirk, trying to connect intellectually and emotionally to the more mature Michael and even playing the friendly mother figure to mid-aged housemates like Natalie and Romeo. It appears that you tried to play more roles that you could cope with and your need to be a ‘people pleaser’ took its toll on your emotions and your sanity. This for me became irritating to watch, but for most it seemed that sympathy prevailed and this is what led you to be crowned the winner- not because you were a particularly good housemate.

And now you’re out of the house, the tabloids are inundated with stories about alleged affairs, your drug-addled past and once again your wobbly bits! (It would have been better if you had on a decent looking bra, heard of Ann Summers?). If I were you love, I’d concentrate on being a good wife to that hubby of yours and putting all your energy into presenting Loose Women. Like I said, I do think you are a lovely person and are great at your day job, but somehow I don’t think you’ll be the new Jordan. Yes, 53 isn’t that old and you can show off your body at any age, but there is a line of decency and embarrassment that you have well and truly crossed! So please, put ‘em away, seek the help you so clearly need  and go back to being the Welchy we all know and love!

Yours sincerely,

Niomi x

 

Dear Antony Worrall Thompson,

Not been a good week has it? Being caught shoplifting is embarrassing enough when you’re a run of the mill civilian like myself, but when you’re a celebrity chef with a couple of million in your back pocket, well that’s down right humiliating isn’t it. I know the recession has hit us all hard and you must have the world on your shoulders (and it appears like the universe in your belly), but is that really an excuse to go taking what is not yours? Well according to a recent TV interview, your excuses came in abundance ranging from the stress of moving house, the death of two close friends, giving up smoking to anemia, long working hours and your inability to relax. It all sounds very distressing and on top of that your restaurant empire had gone into administration. But Antony, that is life! Millions of people go through hardships like this every day, sometimes worse. Life is hard, life is stressful, but that doesn’t give people the green light to go and turn into kleptomaniacs. However, I’m not going to be too harsh on you, why? Well there are several reasons. Firstly you have apologised and admitted that your actions were ‘stupid and irresponsible’ and have resolved to ‘seek the treatment that is clearly needed.’ Secondly, you must have been simply under so much pressure to take such a risk for cheap and menial items knowing there was a chance of being caught. The fact that the offence was committed 5 times over the Christmas period shows that this wasn’t a one off, but an occurring problem and clearly an act of desperation. Thirdly, with you being such a high profile person who would undoubtedly face absolute slaughter and ridicule from the press and public, it was still not enough to deter you from your crimes, thus showing that you was in no doubt, not in control of your mind.

Well, Antony, I hope you receive the help and guidance you so clearly need. Any other normal person would probably be hauled in front of the judge before they could even say cheese and wine, but you have received a simple caution. Count yourself lucky. To show you that you’re not on your own, here’s a few other light-fingered celebrities who also have the inability to take items to the counter and pay for them:

• Winona Ryder.  Now more famed for being a shoplifter than an actress, Winona was convicted in 2001 for stealing $5000 worth of stuff from a posh Beverley hills store. According to Winona she was rehearsing for a role, but she later said that it was the side effects of some medication she was taking. Or something like that. Yeah, whatever Winona.
• Peaches Geldof. It looks like millionaire singer Bob Geldof was not giving daughter Peaches enough pocket money. What else would lead her on a series of stealing sprees, including nicking £70 worth of make-up from Boots? If things are that tight Peaches, try getting an actual job!
• Lindsay Lohan. She started off so well as that cute little girl in The Parent Trap. Fast forward a couple of years and Lindsay’s life has turned into a car crash. Not happy with drugs and booze, she also took up theft by pocketing a $2.500 necklace from a Californian store. Nice.

So you see Anthony, you’re not the only rich and famous person who thinks they are above the law. In future I think you should stay away from Tesco’s. After profits slumps and share prices dropping at the supermarket, you’ll probably get a few dirty looks if you go back in there. Because, everyone will of course blame you. Obviously.

Yours sincereley,

Niomi x

Dear Natasha Giggs,

My my my, where shall I start? Firstly, I think I'll congratulate you on having the balls to go on a national show knowing that everyone will most probably hate you. That’s where my compliments stop I’m afraid, because how can you have the audacity to go on CELEBRITY Big Brother when it’s quite clear you aren’t one? Yes I know that this show often scrapes the barrel with their so called ‘celebs’ producing people who we haven’t seen in donkey’s years, but at least they’ve done something notable in the past. And no, sleeping with your brother in law is not notable, it’s just trampy. Ok, so nobody has a bloody clue who Georgia Salpa is or the playboy twins, but at least they do something for a living. You simply were a kept woman who got bored and so decided to hop into bed with the nearest married man- and you can’t get nearer than family. Yes, it does take two to tango, but you don’t see the said man eating kangaroo bits in the I’m a Celebrity jungle do you? No, at least he had the decency to keep his head down and his mouth shut. 

But to be fair, I know your only doing the show to change the public’s perception of you and to show that you’re probably a nice person underneath. That’s fine, as long as you do that. You’re going to have to prove yourself. No drunken antics, no nudity, no arguments. You’re going to have to behave like you’re in a monastery with all the innocence of a Jonas brother. Come across as a caring, funny and sensitive woman who is genuinely sorry and only then might the public be swayed. In hindsight it might have been best if you actually joined a monastery or even done a charitable act, but you’re there now so you must make the most of it.  

 I don’t know if by doing Celebrity Big Brother you’ll actually be liked, in fact I think you’ll be as popular as Rebecca Loos in a pig sty, but it really is a chance to redeem yourself.  And when you come out, don’t even dare go running to Heat Magazine or start sniffing around Max Clifford. Just go straight home and hope that you’ve done enough. Time will tell when all is forgiven. That time will probably come when the latest footy scandal emerges and a new loose-knickered woman will take your crown and steal your shameful glory. You’ll probably be forgotten by then, and that’s how you should stay. Trust me, it’s for your own good…

Yours sincereley,

Niomi x