Scouse Spice anyone?

You know that situation where an old clingy friend keeps inviting you for a ‘catch-up’ even though it’s the last thing you want to do? Well that’s probably how Victoria Beckham feels about the rumoured Spice Girls reunion. After looking more awkward than Caroline Flack at a One Direction concert at last week’s premiere for the Viva Forever musical, Victoria probably can't wait to say goodbyeeee myyyy frieeend to the rest of the girls- you see what I did there!

Anyways, lucky for her the rest of the Spice Girls have seemingly got the message and have apparently pushed ahead for a new album and tour without the moody one sulking in the corner. 

But, instead of reforming as a four piece a la Take That, it seems that they want to replace Victoria all together and either hold auditions in a televised talent search or simply replace her with someone already in the industry. What?! Don’t they remember Hearsay’s disastrous attempt to continue with some bloke called Johnny Shentall after Michelle from Corrie left?

As if the idea isn’t bonkers enough already, the word on the grapevine is that Sugababes star Heidi Range has been scouted as a possible replacement for Posh! Say whaaat!

Now I’m sure Heidi is a nice girl and all, but if she does this she’ll just be known as the girl who replaces people in bands, having formerly left Atomic Kitten to be in the Sugababes after the eternally scowling Mutya Buena left. And what will she be known as if this ludicrous idea does go ahead? Scouse spice? Replacement spice? They couldn’t get Johnny Shentall, so they got me instead spice?

And what will become of the Sugababes if she leaves? They’ve already had more line-up changes than Taylor Swift’s had boyfriends (ok, not quite!). They’ll probably end up where all the other forgotten pop stars go- to the I’m a celebrity...get me out of here jungle of course! Limahl anyone?

Look, the solution is simple. If the Spice Girls really want to carry on milking, I mean performing as a band then all they have to do is get a cardboard cut-out of Posh and plonk her on the stage. After all, she barely sings and dances as it is so no one will tell the difference- problem solved!

Kate Middleton is Pregnant!

Hold the front pages because the story of the year is here: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have today announced that they are expecting their first baby! 

Yes, the pitter patter of royal feet will soon be gracing the halls of the royal residence. A statement from St James’ Palace read:

‘The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that the Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby, St James's Palace announced today’

Reports have said that the Duchess has been taken to King Edward VII hospital in London suffering from acute morning sickness and she’s expecting to stay for several days.

A statement on the couples website said that “The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are delighted with the news."

Yes, I’m sure prince Harry is chuffed to bits that he’s now been demoted to fourth in line to the throne as the new arrival will automatically take third spot- hard luck Harry!

And it seems is the rest of the country is also delighted with the news with celebrities including Cheryl Cole and fellow mum-to-be Rochelle Humes tweeting their excitement.

Is this is how they took the news?

Even the Prime Minister is happy with the news, tweeting: “I'm delighted by the news that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting a baby.’ But nobody cares what you think, so shush!

And now the news has gone global, there will no doubt be an endless speculation of baby names. I’m thinking Beyonce if it’s a girl- no?

One thing’s for sure, K-Middy will be the new yummy mummy about town, so move over Fearne Cotton! And of course designers will be tripping over themselves to dress her now famous bump- and what better person than Sarah Burton (she designed Kate’s wedding dress- keep up!) as it’s rumoured that she has a bun in the oven as well!

No doubt the happy couple will have absolutely NO PRIVACY for months to come, what with people like me gawping at their every move! But none the less, I wish them all the very best and thanks for making this an excellent ending for what has been an amazing year for Great Britain!

Don't make Chris Brown angry, you won't like him when he's angry!

Chris Brown has never been one to hold back, and his latest Twitter spat shows he has no plans to change!

He recently partook in an abusive exchange of words with US comedienne Jenny Johnson which began when Brown tweeted a picture alongside the comment "I look old as f**k! I'm only 23..." Johnson took it upon herself to respond to this, saying "I know! Being a worthless piece of s**t can really age a person."

The ‘Don’t wake me up’ singer obviously did an ‘OH HELL NO!’ (Including the finger snap I presume) and crudely responded “Take them teeth out when u Sucking my d**k HOE” to which Johnson replied: "It's 'HO' not 'HOE' you ignorant f**k." I quite agree, spelling is important!

What followed was a series of heated exchanges between the two, which included Brown tweeting comments such as "I should fart while ur giving me top" and “mom says hello... She told me not to s**** in ur mouth, wanted me to s*** right on the retina.” Eew, and also lol.

 Johnson seemed to back down from the confrontation in the end, saying “Okay. I'm done. All I got from that exchange with Chris Brown is that he wants to s**t and fart on me."

Rihanna herself seemed to later get in on the act by later posting a picture of the comments and tweeting “How does one find the time? We gotta do better than this!!" Her response certainly adds fuel to the fire that the pair are definitely back together; and that didn’t do it, then she must’ve used a flame thrower or got Charmander on board when she posted an earlier snap of Chris brown sprawled out on her bed! That’ll get the gossips talking- ingenious RiRi!

If the two megastars are really back together, then it seems that Jenny Johnson won’t be the last person who’ll be eager to give their opinion. But if their latest duet ‘Nobody’s business’ is anything to go by, I don’t think they give two hoots!

A live episode? Oh shut-uuuppp!!

So I’m hearing reports that as well as a Christmas special, the producers of TOWIE want to do a live episode. A live episode? Are they crazy? 

Now excuse me if I’m wrong, but the cast of TOWIE are hardly Bafta winning actors are they? Oh wait! Ok, so they maybe Bafta winners, but that aside, they’d probably struggle to land a role in Hollyoaks. But, this obviously doesn’t faze the makers of the hit Essex show or indeed some of the cast members who have recently expressed their views on the upcoming live episode.

Joey Essex tweeted his opinion by saying: “LIVE episode of TOWIE in December!!! #creepySICK” Yes Joey, “creepysick” is probably a phrase most people would use to describe it. 

Mario Falcone tweeted a slightly more coherent response: “We'll be completely out of our comfort zone so it will be really scary but I'll be well excited!” Well yes Mario, it’ll definitely be out of your comfort zone. You’ll probably have to learn your lines properly and deliver a scene without messing it up and will have to try to convince the viewing public that you actually know what you’re doing. So yes, very exciting! 

A sentiment which was echoed by Jess Wright who tweeted: “Shut the front doooor there's going to be a LIVE towie ep in december ahhhhhh who's excited?” I’m excited Jess! Can’t you tell? If you really think about it, it will probably be really hilarious. Watching Joey, Arg and co try to do a full episode without completely live without the use of editing or retakes? Sounds hilarious- what could possibly go wrong?

And look at this way. If a live episode stops them from recording another Christmas single, then I’m all for it! 

And for your viewing pleasure, here's a reminder of that Christmas single. You're Welcome.

 

Oh my god, The X Factor is a fix! No sh*t Sherlock!

What the hell did you expect? After loads of speculation that the reality show’s star is fading and that viewing figures have dramatically dropped since last year, it’s to be expected that producers would have to pull out the stops for the first live shows of this year. And with stiff competition from BBC rivals Strictly Come Dancing, who’ve secured big name stars this year including 2 Olympians, a bit of controversy is just what the doctor ordered! 

Let’s just skip the actual singing part (which was really boring and full of naff, predictable and cliché song choices) and get right down to the vote off. In the bottom two were Rylan Clark, whose remixed rendition of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’ was actually quite entertaining and Carolynne Poole, who apparently did a country version of Nicki Minaj’s 'Starships'- but I missed this because I went to make a cup of tea. Now, unless you’ve been on another planet (or you just don’t watch The X Factor) you’ll know that Rylan has been receiving a lot of stick over the fact he is still in the competition (because he can’t actually sing) and also that Carolynne is a perfectly good singer who just missed out on the live shows last year.

Judgement day: Rylan and Carolynne

 So bearing this and their final ‘sing-off’ performances in mind, when it came down to Louis, who had the deciding vote (and was also the judge who eliminated Carolynne from the competition the previous year), it should have been a straight forward bye-bye to Rylan, right? Wrong! Cue the drama and controversy:

• Louis ‘toing’ and ‘froing’ apparently facing the hardest decision of his life (even though he goes through this same sh*t every year
• Dermot shouting at Louis to hurry up and choos
• Nicole and Gary both urging Louis to save their acts
• Tulisa hounding Louis to just pick one while Louis pulls his hair out in anguis
• A silent, unknown figure crouching down to have a quiet word in Louis ear
• Louis then saving Carolynne, but immediately changing his mind and taking it to deadlock
• The gasps of horror when Dermot reveals that it was in fact Carolynne who got the lowest number of votes and will be going home
• The boos from the crowd as a shocked Rylan hugs a distraught Carolynne
• An outraged Gary storming off stage

My oh my! You see, it’s not me making it exciting, this actually happened and that is EXACTLY what the producers wanted. All last night and throughout the day, it wasn’t strictly that everyone was tweeting about, it was The X Factor. Everyone was declaring- it’s The Fix Factor! And they are probably right.  Don’t you see people, the x factor is no longer just a singing competition, it’s an entertainment show. It relies on outlandish characters, controversies, name-changes, romances and scandal to keep it alive. No longer are the days when raw singing talent are enough to satiate the ever demanding audiences- that’s what The Voice is for, and look how that compared. We must learn to accept that the X Factor has lost its sparkle and is in reality Eastenders with music and make-over’s. So let’s stop debating, stop arguing, stop voting (coz you’re wasting your time and money) and sit back and enjoy the ride, or as they like to say; the ‘emotional rollercoaster’.

Who would you have saved? Take a look at their performances below: